Today I logged onto Facebook as usual, and found out about an application that would allow me to "donate" my status in memory of a fallen serviceperson. Well, heck yeah, I am all for that!
There has been some military service in my family, and one death -- my great-uncle James, who died in 1942 in the Pacific. Whether it was in action or not, I do not know. He died before my father was born, and so he never knew him. The one story I had heard or read somewhere was that my great-grandmother was inconsolable. She bought a huge cemetery plot -- enough for 10 people -- but as far as I know, only she and my great-uncle are buried there. My grandfather is buried with my grandmother, at a perpetual care facility on the other side of that town, even though they definitely both could have been buried there.
Anyway, since I didn't know if he was actually killed in action, I didn't put his information into the application. Instead I allowed it to randomly find someone....... and it was just as poignant to me: SP4 Wilbert Eugene Jones, killed in the Vietnam War. When I saw that, I knew I had to find out more about him.
I Googled him and found a SP4 Wilbert E. Jones, and information about him at VirtualWall.org (PS: that's another thing on my bucket list: visiting the Wall; Jamie O'Hara's song "50,000 Names" still brings me to tears). He was from Eden, North Carolina, only about 4-5 hours from here. He was an infantryman, died at age 21, in Quang Tri province on 30 July 1969.
Why did Spec-4 Jones and his story affect me? My Daddy was an SP4, in Europe, during the Vietnam War era. It was only because of my grandfather's stroke and Dad being the last unmarried child that he was able to come home safe and sound before he saw combat. Daddy worked with rockets & missiles, so I have always believed that he would have been sent to 'Nam at some point. I am here today because of that odd stroke of fate (no pun intended).
This made me wonder if perhaps Daddy served with this guy at some point or knew him from boot camp or any of the other places he went. It just made me really stop and think about this fella -- who he might have been, where he was from........ So I printed the information for my daddy, telling him what I'd done and what I'd found. Daddy deciphered all the arcane Army jargon and acronyms. He didn't serve with him, but there was an immediate level of kinship, brothers in arms quite literally. Specialist Jones' tour began in December 1968, the same time my parents were celebrating their first Christmas together. He died 3 months before my own birth. His birthday? March 26..... my daddy's is March 6 (although 4 years earlier).
I wondered about the friends and family that Specialist Jones left behind there in Eden and at the various bases where he was stationed. I wonder how many of them are still here today to think of him, to be grateful for his ultimate sacrifice, to celebrate the person he was and to mourn what might have been. I wish I knew more of his story but I hope that he is never forgotten.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Living in the moment
One of the hardest life lessons I am learning is to let go & let God. To simply be, and not work so hard at .... well, at everything. And I don't mean work or my mission in life. It's that I have such trouble simply living in a moment. I'm not sure how to really explain it.
I think that from the time I was a kid, I've had the need to prove myself to everyone on some level. Being a fat kid meant that I had to do things twice as well because I didn't want people to judge me just on my size. Being an overachieving kid meant that I had to work twice as hard when things didn't come easy to me. "Better, faster, stronger" wasn't just the motto for the Six Million Dollar Man.... it became my way of life. And let me tell you, it will flat wear you to a nub. Constantly trying to live up to the high standards I set for myself is admirable, but there are times when I just want to say, "No, this is as good as it gets right now, and if it's not enough for you, I'm really sorry."
I am so grateful today for Sister Helen, my spiritual director. On the way to my appointment with her today, I was stricken by a church sign about faith and works. Pondering that led to another round of tangential thinking (no; you don't say) and then to sensing God was telling me something important. I grew up in a church denomination that consistently railed against Catholics for "earning" their salvation; at least that was how they understood all the various devotions -- as a way to earn your keep with God. But I'm here to tell you, as a Catholic, I've found that line of thinking to be the biggest fallacy ever. In my childhood faith, you had to be extra-good, to always set the example... gee, wonder why that line of thinking spilled over from faith into my life? I worked damn harder as a Protestant to earn God's love than I ever have done as a Catholic.
So anyway, as I was thinking about that and realizing where that whole mindset spilled over into my "real life," it was like I felt God say, "STOP THIS NOW! All I ever want you to do is just be."
Just be. How? I don't know what it's like to simply rest secure in anything. Just be. Live in the moment. Stop worrying and let go of the anxiety of life. Just be. Breathe deep. Know where you are. Know your body's reaction to things. Learn to quiet your mind. Just be. Stop trying to prove I'm better, faster, stronger, smarter. Accept who I am. Just be. Trust. Recognize that you can only control so much; the rest of the universe is not in your hands for a reason. Trust. Just be.
It is so hard for me to trust enough to let go. My mother has jokingly called me her "independent little cuss" for most of my life. If I had a t-shirt made with a life motto, it would probably read, "I'll Do It Myself, Thanks!" As my coworker half-jokes, "I have control issues. If I'm not in control, then I have issues." I understand completely what she means. Why do I find it so difficult to trust, to let go, to live in each moment as it comes without regret for the past and anxiety for the future?
On the "Hell Freezes Over" CD in '94, the Eagles had a lovely song that didn't get enough airplay or recognition called "Learn to Be Still"........ I really need to pay attention to that song again, and take its lessons to heart.
I want so much to find the place where I can do this. And I do believe that more gratitude is key to this - to simply be glad for all that comes my way, to recognize every circumstance as gift and lesson. So I want to keep practicing gratitude. I want to learn to accept whatever comes my way as a precious moment, without wondering what's the hidden agenda. It may not be the final answer to my quest, but I think it's a good place to start.
I think that from the time I was a kid, I've had the need to prove myself to everyone on some level. Being a fat kid meant that I had to do things twice as well because I didn't want people to judge me just on my size. Being an overachieving kid meant that I had to work twice as hard when things didn't come easy to me. "Better, faster, stronger" wasn't just the motto for the Six Million Dollar Man.... it became my way of life. And let me tell you, it will flat wear you to a nub. Constantly trying to live up to the high standards I set for myself is admirable, but there are times when I just want to say, "No, this is as good as it gets right now, and if it's not enough for you, I'm really sorry."
I am so grateful today for Sister Helen, my spiritual director. On the way to my appointment with her today, I was stricken by a church sign about faith and works. Pondering that led to another round of tangential thinking (no; you don't say) and then to sensing God was telling me something important. I grew up in a church denomination that consistently railed against Catholics for "earning" their salvation; at least that was how they understood all the various devotions -- as a way to earn your keep with God. But I'm here to tell you, as a Catholic, I've found that line of thinking to be the biggest fallacy ever. In my childhood faith, you had to be extra-good, to always set the example... gee, wonder why that line of thinking spilled over from faith into my life? I worked damn harder as a Protestant to earn God's love than I ever have done as a Catholic.
So anyway, as I was thinking about that and realizing where that whole mindset spilled over into my "real life," it was like I felt God say, "STOP THIS NOW! All I ever want you to do is just be."
Just be. How? I don't know what it's like to simply rest secure in anything. Just be. Live in the moment. Stop worrying and let go of the anxiety of life. Just be. Breathe deep. Know where you are. Know your body's reaction to things. Learn to quiet your mind. Just be. Stop trying to prove I'm better, faster, stronger, smarter. Accept who I am. Just be. Trust. Recognize that you can only control so much; the rest of the universe is not in your hands for a reason. Trust. Just be.
It is so hard for me to trust enough to let go. My mother has jokingly called me her "independent little cuss" for most of my life. If I had a t-shirt made with a life motto, it would probably read, "I'll Do It Myself, Thanks!" As my coworker half-jokes, "I have control issues. If I'm not in control, then I have issues." I understand completely what she means. Why do I find it so difficult to trust, to let go, to live in each moment as it comes without regret for the past and anxiety for the future?
On the "Hell Freezes Over" CD in '94, the Eagles had a lovely song that didn't get enough airplay or recognition called "Learn to Be Still"........ I really need to pay attention to that song again, and take its lessons to heart.
I want so much to find the place where I can do this. And I do believe that more gratitude is key to this - to simply be glad for all that comes my way, to recognize every circumstance as gift and lesson. So I want to keep practicing gratitude. I want to learn to accept whatever comes my way as a precious moment, without wondering what's the hidden agenda. It may not be the final answer to my quest, but I think it's a good place to start.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Gratitude and this week.
I don't know if it was the retreat, thinking about gratitude or what has happened, but with a few exceptions, I seem to be a little more aware of things. My perceptions and attitudes are shifting -- sometimes slowly but noticeably, sometimes not so well.
I mentioned Vanessa's "30 Days" concept to my chiropractor and how I had started this blog in response. I told him that the only place I really need to work on it is my response to traffic snarls. I have to admit, I'm one of those people who tries hard to leave early so that I can either avoid the snarls or at least account for them. I am also, however, someone whose idea of a good drive is getting from Point A to Point B in the most time- and traffic-efficient way possible. But he gave me a new perspective; for him, gratitude is a very important facet. And he noted that when he's stuck in traffic, he tries to respond with "Thanks God, because I'm not involved in the situation that's caused the slowdown..." or even "Thanks for having me slow down a little to avoid a disaster...." Now there's a nice gr-attitude to have!
Just yesterday, I had a situation occur that four weeks ago would have caused a slightly different reaction -- it wasn't the perfect response, but it was an improvement. A family member with a chronic condition called me to ask a question .... and for which I'd already given the answer (a couple of times, but forgetfulness is part of the condition). I wasn't mean but I wasn't as calm or patient as I could have been. But the big breakthrough came after I hung up the phone.
Normally, I would have gotten more than a little miffed -- not at the person, but at the condition that is causing this to occur pretty regularly. And trust me, I have cursed this particular condition a million times in the last few months. This time, as I put my head in my hands at my desk and breathed deeply, I uttered a prayer that medical research starts working on this -- not that other diseases aren't just as important, but that somewhere along the way, a solution can be found. It might be in cancer research that someone realizes, "You know, this doesn't advance my cause, but look what I've seen in doing this. Hey, I have a friend at NIH who's working on this condition's research .... let me tell him/her my findings!"
One other special note of gratitude: I had some additional training last night at WW and it was a lovely chance to get to see some people I hadn't seen in a long time. I had a mini-meltdown and my leader(s) and territory manager were there to get me through it, along with the trainer they'd brought in. I am appreciative of their insights and also for just listening. That meant so much to me that I am in pure awe of the kindness in people. We always hear the bad because that makes news. And yes, the human interest stories do warm our hearts after hearing the rapes, murders, robberies and general human stupidity that runs rampant. But it's in those wonderful small group moments or the one-to-one times of caring and sharing that we see the good in life and in people ..... and it never gets the recognition it deserves.
Makes me think of the old Anne Murray song "A Little Good News"....... boy, do we need more of that today!
I mentioned Vanessa's "30 Days" concept to my chiropractor and how I had started this blog in response. I told him that the only place I really need to work on it is my response to traffic snarls. I have to admit, I'm one of those people who tries hard to leave early so that I can either avoid the snarls or at least account for them. I am also, however, someone whose idea of a good drive is getting from Point A to Point B in the most time- and traffic-efficient way possible. But he gave me a new perspective; for him, gratitude is a very important facet. And he noted that when he's stuck in traffic, he tries to respond with "Thanks God, because I'm not involved in the situation that's caused the slowdown..." or even "Thanks for having me slow down a little to avoid a disaster...." Now there's a nice gr-attitude to have!
Just yesterday, I had a situation occur that four weeks ago would have caused a slightly different reaction -- it wasn't the perfect response, but it was an improvement. A family member with a chronic condition called me to ask a question .... and for which I'd already given the answer (a couple of times, but forgetfulness is part of the condition). I wasn't mean but I wasn't as calm or patient as I could have been. But the big breakthrough came after I hung up the phone.
Normally, I would have gotten more than a little miffed -- not at the person, but at the condition that is causing this to occur pretty regularly. And trust me, I have cursed this particular condition a million times in the last few months. This time, as I put my head in my hands at my desk and breathed deeply, I uttered a prayer that medical research starts working on this -- not that other diseases aren't just as important, but that somewhere along the way, a solution can be found. It might be in cancer research that someone realizes, "You know, this doesn't advance my cause, but look what I've seen in doing this. Hey, I have a friend at NIH who's working on this condition's research .... let me tell him/her my findings!"
One other special note of gratitude: I had some additional training last night at WW and it was a lovely chance to get to see some people I hadn't seen in a long time. I had a mini-meltdown and my leader(s) and territory manager were there to get me through it, along with the trainer they'd brought in. I am appreciative of their insights and also for just listening. That meant so much to me that I am in pure awe of the kindness in people. We always hear the bad because that makes news. And yes, the human interest stories do warm our hearts after hearing the rapes, murders, robberies and general human stupidity that runs rampant. But it's in those wonderful small group moments or the one-to-one times of caring and sharing that we see the good in life and in people ..... and it never gets the recognition it deserves.
Makes me think of the old Anne Murray song "A Little Good News"....... boy, do we need more of that today!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Drinking from a saucer......
The "30 Days of Gratitude" has ended, but the attitude and the wonder hasn't. I was just recapping my month in another blog -- especially the last week having been so insane after such a wonderful weekend. And then it hit me, just how blessed I really am.
Years ago, Food for the Poor sent a little booklet out, and in it was this prayer from a gentleman who lives in the Caribbean. I think it's been made into a song, but the book was the first place I ever saw it. This says it all:
Drinking from a Saucer I have never made a fortune, and it’s probably too late now,
I don’t worry about that much, I’m happy anyhow.
As I go along life’s journey, reaping more than I have sowed,
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.
I don’t have lots of riches, and sometimes the going is tough.
I have a family that loves me, and that is quite enough.
I thank God for his blessings and his mercies he’s bestowed.
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.
I remember times when things went wrong, my faith got a little thin.
Then all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeked through again.
Lord, please help me not to gripe about the tough rows I have hoed.
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.
If God gives me strength and courage when my way grows steep and tough,
I’ll not ask for other blessings. I’m already blessed enough.
May I never be too busy to help another bear his load.
I’ll keep drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.
~ George McPhee ~
“All You Really Need to Know About Prayer You Can Learn from the Poor”
- I have a family. There are so many who've lost those who are near and dear to them, whether by death or by other circumstances which separate them. Yes, mine drives me absolutely insane, but they have made me who I am, and I wouldn't trade the me I am and that I'm becoming for anything!!!
- I have good friends. Some I've known for years, others for shorter times. Some live close to me, others across the country or around the world. But each of them is so dear to me and sadly, I don't tell them often enough.
- I have a job -- two, as it is! One is full-time work that I enjoy, even as stressful as it can be at times. The part-time work is truly a gift as well -- it gives me the opportunity to offer encouragement when people need it and to celebrate with them. To have even one in this economy is great, but two is almost more than I can ask for!
Years ago, Food for the Poor sent a little booklet out, and in it was this prayer from a gentleman who lives in the Caribbean. I think it's been made into a song, but the book was the first place I ever saw it. This says it all:
I don’t worry about that much, I’m happy anyhow.
As I go along life’s journey, reaping more than I have sowed,
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.
I have a family that loves me, and that is quite enough.
I thank God for his blessings and his mercies he’s bestowed.
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.
Then all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeked through again.
Lord, please help me not to gripe about the tough rows I have hoed.
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.
I’ll not ask for other blessings. I’m already blessed enough.
May I never be too busy to help another bear his load.
I’ll keep drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.
“All You Really Need to Know About Prayer You Can Learn from the Poor”
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