Deeper than you can know....

I took the opportunity this weekend to go on a retreat sponsored by my parish. It was without a doubt the best gift I have given myself in ages. Not only did it have great spiritual benefit, but it gave me the opportunity to simply let go all the way around.

My current coworkers may see it a little in me, but my previous coworker can tell them oodles of stories about my control issues. One of my current coworkers jokes that she has control issues: "If I'm not in control, I have issues." Well, that's me. I guess deep down, as much as it pains me to even admit so, I am more like my mother than I care to say. Not so much that I'm a worrier in the sense of freaking out about what will happen next as much as "I have to have a plan or several in place in case of what happens next." Always with a contingency plan, even if the plan is "fly by the seat of your pants."

None of that this weekend. Completely at the mercy of others' schedules and plans. And for once, what a joy that was, not to have to be in control. I don't know if I can live there in the long-term, but certainly in the short-term it feels good.

And I don't often share with others the stresses in my life. I do to a small degree with my friends, or else it comes off as rants and then I'm done..... but really, honestly, lately, the stressors large and small have been ripping away at my resources. At one stage of the weekend, after a particularly helpful and beautiful moment in the retreat, I went to a quiet place and sobbed openly, loudly, hoarsely. It was as though all that anxiety and stress and whatever finally found its way out and I could not stop it if I so chose. Even stranger? I woke up the next morning feeling as though I'd gone ten rounds with Tyson. Now.... yes, I'd slept on an air mattress on the floor but that was kind of comfy; I'm in need of a new mattress for home and I haven't made the time to shop for one. But this was achy arms - like I'd worked out with 100-pound dumbbells instead of my five-pounds ones. I spoke to a nurse who was on the retreat with us, and she said to me that yes, sometimes when you let go of that much tension and stress, the body can respond that way. Last night, I ran into a personal trainer at the gym who has a background in exercise physiology -- he said much the same thing. Who would have thought?

I cannot begin to express my gratitude to the ladies of my parish who presented the retreat; to my sisters who shared this experience with me; to Fr. Sandy for his kindness and caring for all of us (and for some good advice too). Many years ago, when I was on another retreat, there was a good book called "Coming Down the Mountain" about how to go back into life after a retreat weekend -- of coming down the mountain slowly instead of tumbling back headlong into all that chaos that real life can be. To put my hands on the book now is an impossible task (if I even still have it - I think I lent it out and didn't get it back). But my task now is to keep as much of the mountain experience in my heart as I continue to re-enter the everyday world.

A slight change of pace.....

Instead of trying to recall exactly what I've been grateful for over the last couple of days, I wanted to take a different tack.

Today, I got an e-mail from a newsletter I subscribe to. The person who runs this website is doing a drawing for a free copy of her guide, if we would simply post what we were grateful for! SWEET, considering I've been pondering the subject for a few weeks, right? And honestly.... I'm so grateful for so much that I hardly know where to start!

I am grateful for opening my eyes each day and drawing breath, for having all my senses intact, for the gift of motion and ability to get from bed to bathroom to kitchen. I am grateful for having the capacity to care for myself each morning and prepare to face the day. I am very grateful for a job to go to each morning, and for work that helps my company. Admittedly, there are times I wish my job involved more hands-on actual HELPING people live and do their best.... but I also realize that if I do my job correctly and if I work to minimize costs and maximize value, I'm doing my part to keep people employed (at least as much as I can do) -- very much needed in this economy.

I'm grateful for a vehicle in good working condition (especially since 90 minutes of my day are spent in it!). I'm grateful for a family who loves me in spite of my failings, my mood swings, my eccentricities....... I'm grateful for friends who love me for me, for all my quirks.

There's so much more to be grateful and thankful for..... if we just stop and think deeply enough about it. Life itself is such a blessing and gift. Why should we be ungrateful???

Sharing wealth....

Last night, I went to a great seminar offered by someone I knew from high school (although I didn't realize it was her until over the weekend). She and her sister-in-law run a side business called "Crazy Couponers" and they teach people how to best utilize coupons and store specials to save money -- where to find them, how to use them, how to share them, and an overview of local stores' policies. It was a great couple of hours of my time, and while I already use coupons, I picked up some great ideas!

And I got to see some other friends from high school there. A couple in particular were girls I hadn't seen in forever -- probably not since my brother was in high school himself! They were just floored by the changes in me and wanted to know the whole scoop -- so I shared my information with them as well. (A quick note here: for those of you finding me through Vanessa's e-mail, I have a whole other blog which tells the story of my big change: Weighty Matters). So the evening was full of good news, good stories, good times.

On the drive home, I realized we had all been sharing wealth: a wealth of experience, knowledge and information. Debbie & Tosha didn't have to start a business to help people in a tangible way. They charged a very small fee, but we got back so much more. They did it to share the wealth - to help people in a real way. One person might save a couple hundred bucks a year on groceries or personal products they buy. Someone else might save two thousand just based on their habits or needs. And it's a habit that can be used whether times are good or bad.

I am grateful for their time, their knowledge, and their willingness to share!

More Thankful Moments

Friday, April 16 -- I am grateful for the beauty of a warm spring day. We really do need rain to wash away some of the highest pollen counts in years, yet it was so lovely to step outside without being socked by the muggies (don't worry - June will be here soon enough for that!).

Saturday, April 17 -- Today I met with my spiritual director again. It is beyond wonderful to have someone to speak with about what my spiritual life is like ..... and someone who can not only understand my position on some things but offer new perspectives. Yesterday, one of the perspectives that she offered is that the work I do through WW isn't just a job, but a calling, a ministry. I needed to hear that. It has been far too long since I believed that anything I did other than my cantoring was a ministry. But in many ways, this is a ministry ....... and I am so glad that I was open enough to change my life to provide an outlet for God to work in me. God isn't done with me yet (another reason to be glad!).

Sunday, April 18 -- Along those same lines, I am so glad for the energy to be able to accomplish most of what I need to do in a day. I still have laundry to be done today, but it's not like I have to wash it by hand.... :D So let me sign off here, and get to it!!!

Playing catch-up!

I haven't been ungrateful, just busier than a toothless beaver in a dam-building contest. Crazy, busy week but really good in a lot of ways. So I decided to lump 5 days' worth of gr-attitudes into one big post.

Sunday, April 11 -- I am grateful for the opportunity to share my musical abilities, such as they are, with my faith community. I am humbled by the trust and confidence that Paula, our musical director, has in me and my abilities. As much as I prefer and enjoy the 10:00 AM Mass, there's something about the 8:00 that has its own charms too.

Monday, April 12 -- I'm both grateful and pleasantly surprised when things work a little more smoothly than you think they might. "Payroll Mondays" are usually crazy-busy and I sometimes feel I'm constantly chasing down information .... especially frustrating when everyone KNOWS I do this every other Monday! But this week, it worked out just fine - mostly on time, and even the upload server was behaving. AH!!!!

Tuesday, April 13 -- It is nice to know that at work, whenever I need help or even confirmation that I'm on the right track, I can get in touch with my Corporate HR manager or group leader and have that knowledge confirmed or to get a different perspective. My manager was in to do some training today, and will do some general safety training tomorrow. We went for dinner, as is the usual case when she comes to visit, and had a great time just chatting and sharing stories -- everything from her girlfriends and their big weekends to our dogs (she has a Lab, I have a Lab mix). It was a great time to communicate on a more personal level - not always about work! (And kudos to Macaroni Grill -- the Spiedini dishes are SO, SO good -- but one complaint: bring back the creamy fat-free Italian dressing! I Love It!)

Wednesday, April 14 -- Happiness is a dog licking you over and over again, just because you're home and he's glad to see you. End of story.

Thursday, April 15 -- I am grateful for a good chiropractor who works the kinks out and makes your whole spine and torso feel normal again. It also doesn't hurt when you can discuss really profound topics too -- such as cartoons and voiceover artists and movies ........ thanks Dr. Paul, you're the best!!!!

The joys of joydriving.....

Yesterday, I wrote in my primary blog about the experience of "joy-driving" -- of hopping in the car with nowhere to go, no place to be, and nothing to do. The funny thing is that as I was flying to get to my (cancelled) appointment, I saw the prettiest sight of the whole day.

My appointment was in the small town where some of my father's siblings live. It was also the road we would take to get to my grandmother's apartment, at least for the first 13 years or so of my life. I have both ridden and driven on that highway so often, I could almost do it blindfolded (almost....).

Yesterday, I caught sight of a pasture at the turnoff to my uncle's house -- now I've seen that place before so many times, whether I continue on toward his house or stay on the main road. But something about the scene yesterday morning at 10:30 made me gasp. It was beyond beautiful. Green pastures -- amazing, since our rain totals are a little behind the norm so far this year. Just the right angle of sun. The perfect shade of blue in the sky to complement the earth's greens and red clay dirt. It was unbelievably fantastic.

Thankful for quick healing!

I mentioned briefly earlier that I had a "sports injury" on Wednesday night. It wasn't incapacitating, but it was pretty sore on Thursday morning. By yesterday morning (Friday), it was down to almost no pain at all -- enough that I was able to fit in a workout last night, including squats (the very exercise that I was doing when the injury happened).

I am thankful that the body is an amazing piece of work ... able to regenerate and rejuvenate and restore itself ... and able to do it even better when we truly treat our bodies with respect and love. I am definitely not perfect in that regard, but I do the best I can and it pays me back well!

Thursday's gr-attitude moment

There's no question of what I was thankful for on Thursday: RAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Every car in the parking lot since Monday has been covered in pollen. Even the asphalt instead had that yellow-green veneer over it. Sneezing and hacking throughout the building. Watery eyes and the sounds of tissues being pulled from boxes. I have little problems with tree pollen (at least so far) but grass will kill me .... so my day is still coming. I joked with someone at work that this wasn't quite what the environmentalists had in mind for a "greener" world......

But then the rain came yesterday. Yes, it was heavy rain and lots of wind, thunder and lightning, and it spawned a couple of maybe-tornadoes (the NWS will be checking damage later today in a couple of spots). But the rain itself was so appreciated! About 4:00, when it really started pouring down, we looked outside briefly to see a yellow-green river floating by. I came out into the parking lot last night and there was a yellow film over a puddle that had formed. But my beautiful vehicle is now no longer "Pearl Green" but is at last again using her birth name, "Pearl White"!

***

I'm also very glad that my "sports injury" is healing pretty quickly. I pulled or strained something in my left groin area (heard my hip bone pop a little as I did a squat). OOPS! It's still a little sore but not nearly as much as it had been Wednesday night or Thursday morning. YAY! That means I can hit the gym tonight for a modified, easier mild workout. No elliptical tonight but I will be doing a quick warmup on the recumbent bike and then an arm workout -- no squats either!

The power of a name....

Odd as it sounds, I am grateful for having a medical condition with a name. Once a syndrome, a condition, a disease has a name, it becomes real. You learn how to treat it, how to live with it, if there is a cure or a way to alleviate or manage it.

In my case, it's primary lymphedema -- most likely hereditary, since a cousin has the same condition, and she mentioned that my great-grandmother may have had it as well. It requires lifelong management, like so many other chronic conditions, but it's a treatment plan that I can easily do.

Right now, I'm going for Manual Lymphatic Drainage massages every 2 weeks. Each day, I wear medical level support hose each day. I wear an additional pair of lighter support knee-highs over those. When I'm not wearing those, I wrap my legs with short-stretch compression bandages and foam padding to further assist in the compression process. Is it time-consuming to do that? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Since beginning the MLD, my legs have shrunk dramatically.

I have learned how to properly care for my skin on the affected limbs. Because of the nature of the condition, I'm at greater risk for skin infections from cuts, abrasions, even mosquito bites. I had an irritated spot at my ankle; it was probably caused by the skin getting caught in the fold of the hosiery. It took about 3 weeks to heal - waaaaay longer than it should have under normal conditions. But it healed, with only a small localized area that became infected.

It has a name. It has a treatment regimen. I pray for all those out there with unnamed conditions and unknown treatments ...... that someday, they too will know its name.

Today's moment of gratitude

Today, I am grateful for a beautiful day at lunchtime! I went out to my car to eat my meal, with the windows down, the sunroof open -- and after lunch, a recline in the bucket seat and even a quickie nap. And best of all? I woke up JUST IN TIME to get back into the office with an exact one-hour lunch!!! You have to love a day like that, and the One who gave it to us!

So here's the reason for this.....

I got a message on FB from an old messageboard buddy, who also does life coaching. She had offered April as "30 Days of Gratitude" -- and boy, do I need it.

I did this in November, when it seemed everyone on FB was doing it in honor of Thanksgiving, etc. I promise you, I had a pretty decent month because I took time each morning to ponder what, really, I was grateful for that day.

Lately, my life has been such a cyclone of chaos, I can't even begin to unravel it all. Work is fine -- I have a job, but the stress of having to juggle two very different tasks is beginning to get to me. Home is .... well, I hate that I have been so moody and snappy with my loved ones. I have been overdone for several weeks now. You don't have to remind me -- this isn't healthy by any stretch. I know that sooner or later, I have to take care of myself better or it will not be a pretty meltdown.

I have started by signing up for a retreat at church later this month - one that I desperately needed to do back in October (when I was just as stressed) but couldn't due to another obligation that weekend. I have begun spiritual direction with a sister from a local convent as another way to help. And I plan to call my EAP (which I have been meaning and meaning to do for weeks anyway) to get their assistance with a couple of things where I need some outside resources.

But there are things that I can do as well, starting with getting rid of this pissy attitude I've had for a while.

I'm a few days late, but here is my list (so far this month of what I'm really grateful for)........

April 1: I am grateful for the life of my Aunt Clovie, whom we buried today. She was kind yet no-nonsense, hospitable and sweet, and I know that she will be missed by us all. She was the last of my grandmother's siblings, and it's hard to believe that such an important person to us is now gone. But I also know that she's watching over us - and will give us a cosmic swat when we need it too!

April 2: I am grateful for the sacrifice made by Our Lord on the original Good Friday. His example of purely selfless love is something I know I can never attain, but that won't stop me from trying.

April 3: I am grateful for a good weigh-in this morning!!!! I have obsessed to the point of distraction over this month's numbers, and I'm so glad they turned out fine. I am also grateful for my family, who don't seem to mind my culinary experiments and attempts -- let's hope they enjoy tomorrow's Greek Easter Feast! (Odd, since we're not Greek but the seasoning is so good I can't resist!)

April 4: I am grateful for a beautiful warm sunny day, and the ability to get out and enjoy it. I am grateful for my canine companion for his undying, undeserved devotion! I cannot imagine my life without him in it!

April 5: I am grateful for my job, even as it causes me to go gray early. I am grateful to have a reason to take on the day, in the attempt to help even one person every day. I am also grateful for people who help me out, even when I don't ask -- I was changing out a handle at the gym's cable station and one of the guy weightlifters came over and said, "Oh, let me get that for you." Heck yeah, buddy!!! Go right ahead! Turns out he later needed that handle anyway, so it worked out well for us both!


I plan to update this frequently - if not every day, then every other. I want to keep this going.... I need to keep this going.

Stay tuned!