For what we are about to receive....

In The Sound of Music (the movie), on Maria's first night with the von Trapp's, the entire family is seated for dinner. She asks the Captain if he has forgotten something, and he very sheepishly realizes that they have failed to say grace before the meal. She offers this prayer: "For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful."

So I had that thought in my head today -- it's so very easy for me to be thankful for everything I have received already. What about being grateful for those things to come, both expected and unexpected, planned and unplanned blessings? What is to come for me in the next few days, weeks, and months for which I am to express my gratitude?

• The bountiful fall harvest: I have already purchased the first of the apples for the fall (a nice half-peck bag of honeycrisps). On my trip to the farmer's market Saturday, I noticed the bulb & root vegetables on sale: potatoes, onions, the last of the summer squashes and just a few of the fall/winter ones to come. I am already perusing the fall soup/stew recipes and am gleefully anticipating making those (along with the summer vegetable soups I have already put in the freezer).
• The workload over the next few months: I know, that sounds totally odd, doesn't it? I'm already thinking I've got more on my plate already than I can say grace over, and you want me to what? But I realize what a blessing it is to have work, to be busy and to have a place to go each day -- especially when so many do not.
• The beautiful fall weather: Mornings are already getting to be nice and crisp! Love it, love it, love it. Autumn is my very favorite season. Although I am no fan of cold weather, there's something about the dormancy that appeals to me. That nature is resting up to start all over again with the beauty of spring and the bounty of summer and fall. And the preparation that nature does in autumn is a balm to the soul. There is something soothing about knowing that the universe keeps right on schedule, even if human life seems to be crazy.
  
• FOOTBALL! 'Nuff said. With apologies to Ben Franklin, it is Football (and not beer) which is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy. Of course, combined with beer, I suppose it's just a double happiness (if you're a beer fan). I'll take a Woodchuck, please.
• The upcoming women's retreat: I'm on the retreat team for a women's retreat in 2 weekends at church. I am really excited about what is in store for not just the women making the retreat, but all of us who have bonded since our own weekend to present this for these women.
  

So what are you about to receive in the few weeks to come? Are you truly ready to be thankful for all that comes your way?

So very grateful this weekend....

I finally made an appointment for my mom with an internal med doctor who is also a geriatrician. We saw her yesterday, and I have only one thing to say: DR. I. KICKS POSTERIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She was a little behind in getting to see us but it was worth the extra time. She really listened to what we had to say and she was floored that Mom hadn't had any follow-up.... she immediately called for an EKG and labwork, just based on some initial questions and "breathe deep" exercises.

Sometime during the exam, she asked about something and Mom replied, "I'm sorry, I don't remember...." Dr. I said, "No! No need to apologize, we're here to find out the answers to help you move forward." Let me tell you - I dropped my head right then and offered up a big ol' thank you to God, the angels, the saints and whomever else was responsible for that moment.

I just learned that she called Mom back yesterday afternoon after some of the lab results came in. She's increasing Mom's dosage of Lasix without adjusting anything else for right now. This is a good thing; Mom has a lot of noticeable fluid retention. From the ankles up, it really is just like a medical text drawing of what a CHF patient might look like.

Mom is scheduled for an ultrasound on her heart next Wednesday, and a follow-up to this appointment in 2 weeks. Dr. I was startled by the previous lack of follow-up. She didn't seem to fazed by the medication combinations, so maybe the side effects/combinations I had read about aren't quite as bad as I thought, or it might apply more to long-term usage. We'll see.....

And Mom likes Dr. I too - she's direct but caring, and it was pretty obvious that she really takes an interest in her patients. I'm definitely glad I did this for Mom.

I'm not ungrateful....

Just really, really busy lately. I told one of my friends at church today that I was almost a little scared to actually sit down long enough at Mass to listen, because I might just fall asleep. But I didn't, so thank goodness for that! Snoring would have been embarrassing. (HA!)

There's still the ongoing medical stuff .... Mom is feeling a little better, having lost about 15 pounds of just fluid. I'm still going to make her see a geriatrician. And I'm still trying to find an internal medicine/endocrinologist who's willing to see me. I cannot explain it other than a hunch, but I don't think I've found all the answers. It might not be my thyroid, but you can't tell me some hormonal imbalance somewhere isn't at work. Example: it was air temp 95 on Thursday (who knows what for the heat index... around 110?), and I was sitting in my office wearing a cardigan and with a wrap thrown over my legs. I went outside to get warm. It felt fantastic to walk out into the oven that was the parking lot. Now, granted, our part of the office is always the coldest... but everyone else in our area was fine. This inability to enjoy cool air in this sort of heat wave concerns me greatly. It is not normal.

And right now while the doctors don't have answers for me, I'm glad I have friends who support me and agree with me that this is not normal. So I feel much love and gratitude for them!!!

Striving to be grateful

I must admit that for the last couple of weeks, it has been less than easy for me to have a grateful heart. My mother has been ill and it's been a nightmare just trying to get a diagnosis. The worst symptom by far has been her constant nausea (and no, trust me, she'd better not be frickin' pregnant in her 70s!). It went from maybe something she ate or being tired from a trip to "well, maybe she has pneumonia" to "Oh wow, you've got fluid around your heart" to "wow, the Phenergan still isn't working? Huh. Come back in" to "Well, it could be acid reflux."

To complicate matters, Mom is being puny - and to be honest, I've questioned how much is physical illness and how much is emotionally driven. I don't doubt that she has the physical symptoms, but truly... suck it up. Quit hyperventilating over some of this. And I'll take you to the ER if need be, but I am not paying your copay or treating you like some lotus blossom. I know, that sounds cruel, but you live the 40 years of history, and then tell me I'm a bitch.

So here I am, slightly ticked at this illness that won't go away, slightly ticked at the "(heaving sigh) woe is me" 'tude and PLENTY ticked at the business end of the medical profession - that which requires you to prove you have been through all the what-ifs first.

Here's the deal: FLUID ON THE HEART. You don't mess with it, you order a flippin' test to determine where it's coming from and what the fluid consists of, how it came to be around her heart and how you can keep it at bay. You determine what is physical and what is psychosomatic (if anything). YOU FIND ANSWERS. Or at least not just saying, "Well, I have to do this first, for insurance to cover it."

Here's the thing: I'm grateful I still have my mom, I'm grateful that she's had the same PCP for about 50 years who has treated her at nearly every stage of her adult life (young & single, newlywed, new mother, into middle age, and now as older adult). I'm grateful she has good insurance on top of her Medicare. I'm grateful for so much of that, and I want to have her here and healthier, even if it's just to be foils for each other. Think Claree and Ouiser (I can't decide if I'd rather be Claree or Ouiser!).

Yes, I fight with her. I push her buttons, she pushes all mine as only mothers and daughters can do to each other. And that's precisely why I am fighting like hell for her. I refuse to allow this to consume her, and I will do everything I can to see it doesn't.

Grateful for girlfriends

Throughout my life, I have always had friends of both genders. While at times, my closest friends have been men, I find that the power of girlfriends is a strong, deep bond that I never want to lose.

In my childhood, it was Em and Tee. Em and I had first met in the church nursery, and Tee came along when I was about 6-1/2 or so. Even though our lives diverged in many ways after high school, and we lost the closeness we'd once shared, Em and Tee were my first soul-sisters. The girls who knew my strengths and weaknesses, my highs and lows, who grieved and wept with me and cheered me on. Sadly, we lost Tee to breast cancer a few years back. Let me tell you, if I thought cancer was a thievin' SOB before, losing her magnified that feeling. I haven't seen Em in forever, but I see her sister and mom on occasion and keep up with her that way.

In high school, I had other girlfriends as well -- the girls from yearbook staff, who laughed with me and taught me not to take myself too seriously at all. The friends from across the state whom I met at various conferences.... I just reminisced with one of them that we've been friends for twenty-five years now. Holy frijoles, Batman.......

In college, I met the person who has become the sister that I didn't have biologically. She and I have been through many ups and downs of life. The gifts she has given me -- her unconditional love and acceptance, the offering of sharing her faith, the trust in making me godmother to her children -- are things I treasure so very deeply. I can't begin to say how much she and her family have meant to me -- not just she and her husband and kids, but even her parents, stepparents and siblings have taken me into their lives as well.

One of my other dearest girlfriends is a coworker .... well, she started out as my "boss" in a volunteer capacity, became my coworker later, and has become a dear friend as time has gone on. She too has taken me in as part of her family. Sadly, we haven't gotten together in a long time and I miss her dearly. Our lives have diverged a little over the last few years - she's a grandmother now, and my schedule is crazy. But it's no excuse. I need to reconnect with her and soon!

I have retreat sisters now, twice over. This latest group is so very precious to me, I cannot begin to describe it. We're sharing our joys and sorrows with each other as we're learning to share our faith with each other and with other people.

I have 2 sets of very special heart-friends whom I have met through 'Net connections over the years and I love them dearly. One set came from a roundtable discussion group, four of us ladies and one dear man. The others are the wives of some of my guy friends, and I love them in their own right, not just because I was friends with their husbands. All of them have seen me through good times and bad, and stuck by me through it all.

And I have two or three groups of message-board girlfriends. The ones to which I have drawn closest have been my rock in the last two or three years. I cherish the interactions with them - the fun, the silly, the serious, the quick "hey, just wanted to say..." and the long stories. We see each other through births, deaths, separations from loved ones, medical issues, moves from one place to another. When we got together for a girl's weekend last summer, it was as if we'd known each other all our lives.

Ladies, I'm here to tell you: if you don't have a group of girlfriends, you are missing out on something precious and dear. Yeah, we chicks can be a catty bunch at times, but you know, we can also lift you up when you need it most or hold your basket for you. Know why? We've been there too in some way. We understand what you mean when you say certain things.

Nothing against my guy friends at all - they are just as dear to me, and I love the different perspective they provide. But I would never trade my girlfriends for anything, and that includes the winning lottery ticket.

Honor and gratitude

Today I logged onto Facebook as usual, and found out about an application that would allow me to "donate" my status in memory of a fallen serviceperson. Well, heck yeah, I am all for that!

There has been some military service in my family, and one death -- my great-uncle James, who died in 1942 in the Pacific. Whether it was in action or not, I do not know. He died before my father was born, and so he never knew him. The one story I had heard or read somewhere was that my great-grandmother was inconsolable. She bought a huge cemetery plot -- enough for 10 people -- but as far as I know, only she and my great-uncle are buried there. My grandfather is buried with my grandmother, at a perpetual care facility on the other side of that town, even though they definitely both could have been buried there.

Anyway, since I didn't know if he was actually killed in action, I didn't put his information into the application. Instead I allowed it to randomly find someone....... and it was just as poignant to me: SP4 Wilbert Eugene Jones, killed in the Vietnam War. When I saw that, I knew I had to find out more about him.

I Googled him and found a SP4 Wilbert E. Jones, and information about him at VirtualWall.org (PS: that's another thing on my bucket list: visiting the Wall; Jamie O'Hara's song "50,000 Names" still brings me to tears). He was from Eden, North Carolina, only about 4-5 hours from here. He was an infantryman, died at age 21, in Quang Tri province on 30 July 1969.

Why did Spec-4 Jones and his story affect me? My Daddy was an SP4, in Europe, during the Vietnam War era. It was only because of my grandfather's stroke and Dad being the last unmarried child that he was able to come home safe and sound before he saw combat. Daddy worked with rockets & missiles, so I have always believed that he would have been sent to 'Nam at some point. I am here today because of that odd stroke of fate (no pun intended).

This made me wonder if perhaps Daddy served with this guy at some point or knew him from boot camp or any of the other places he went. It just made me really stop and think about this fella -- who he might have been, where he was from........ So I printed the information for my daddy, telling him what I'd done and what I'd found. Daddy deciphered all the arcane Army jargon and acronyms. He didn't serve with him, but there was an immediate level of kinship, brothers in arms quite literally. Specialist Jones' tour began in December 1968, the same time my parents were celebrating their first Christmas together. He died 3 months before my own birth. His birthday? March 26..... my daddy's is March 6 (although 4 years earlier).

I wondered about the friends and family that Specialist Jones left behind there in Eden and at the various bases where he was stationed. I wonder how many of them are still here today to think of him, to be grateful for his ultimate sacrifice, to celebrate the person he was and to mourn what might have been. I wish I knew more of his story but I hope that he is never forgotten.

Living in the moment

One of the hardest life lessons I am learning is to let go & let God. To simply be, and not work so hard at .... well, at everything. And I don't mean work or my mission in life. It's that I have such trouble simply living in a moment. I'm not sure how to really explain it.

I think that from the time I was a kid, I've had the need to prove myself to everyone on some level. Being a fat kid meant that I had to do things twice as well because I didn't want people to judge me just on my size. Being an overachieving kid meant that I had to work twice as hard when things didn't come easy to me. "Better, faster, stronger" wasn't just the motto for the Six Million Dollar Man.... it became my way of life. And let me tell you, it will flat wear you to a nub. Constantly trying to live up to the high standards I set for myself is admirable, but there are times when I just want to say, "No, this is as good as it gets right now, and if it's not enough for you, I'm really sorry."

I am so grateful today for Sister Helen, my spiritual director. On the way to my appointment with her today, I was stricken by a church sign about faith and works. Pondering that led to another round of tangential thinking (no; you don't say) and then to sensing God was telling me something important. I grew up in a church denomination that consistently railed against Catholics for "earning" their salvation; at least that was how they understood all the various devotions -- as a way to earn your keep with God. But I'm here to tell you, as a Catholic, I've found that line of thinking to be the biggest fallacy ever. In my childhood faith, you had to be extra-good, to always set the example... gee, wonder why that line of thinking spilled over from faith into my life? I worked damn harder as a Protestant to earn God's love than I ever have done as a Catholic.

So anyway, as I was thinking about that and realizing where that whole mindset spilled over into my "real life," it was like I felt God say, "STOP THIS NOW! All I ever want you to do is just be."

Just be. How? I don't know what it's like to simply rest secure in anything. Just be. Live in the moment. Stop worrying and let go of the anxiety of life. Just be. Breathe deep. Know where you are. Know your body's reaction to things. Learn to quiet your mind. Just be. Stop trying to prove I'm better, faster, stronger, smarter. Accept who I am. Just be. Trust. Recognize that you can only control so much; the rest of the universe is not in your hands for a reason. Trust. Just be.

It is so hard for me to trust enough to let go. My mother has jokingly called me her "independent little cuss" for most of my life. If I had a t-shirt made with a life motto, it would probably read, "I'll Do It Myself, Thanks!" As my coworker half-jokes, "I have control issues. If I'm not in control, then I have issues." I understand completely what she means. Why do I find it so difficult to trust, to let go, to live in each moment as it comes without regret for the past and anxiety for the future?

On the "Hell Freezes Over" CD in '94, the Eagles had a lovely song that didn't get enough airplay or recognition called "Learn to Be Still"........ I really need to pay attention to that song again, and take its lessons to heart.

I want so much to find the place where I can do this. And I do believe that more gratitude is key to this - to simply be glad for all that comes my way, to recognize every circumstance as gift and lesson. So I want to keep practicing gratitude. I want to learn to accept whatever comes my way as a precious moment, without wondering what's the hidden agenda. It may not be the final answer to my quest, but I think it's a good place to start.

Gratitude and this week.

I don't know if it was the retreat, thinking about gratitude or what has happened, but with a few exceptions, I seem to be a little more aware of things. My perceptions and attitudes are shifting -- sometimes slowly but noticeably, sometimes not so well.

I mentioned Vanessa's "30 Days" concept to my chiropractor and how I had started this blog in response. I told him that the only place I really need to work on it is my response to traffic snarls. I have to admit, I'm one of those people who tries hard to leave early so that I can either avoid the snarls or at least account for them. I am also, however, someone whose idea of a good drive is getting from Point A to Point B in the most time- and traffic-efficient way possible. But he gave me a new perspective; for him, gratitude is a very important facet. And he noted that when he's stuck in traffic, he tries to respond with "Thanks God, because I'm not involved in the situation that's caused the slowdown..." or even "Thanks for having me slow down a little to avoid a disaster...." Now there's a nice gr-attitude to have!

Just yesterday, I had a situation occur that four weeks ago would have caused a slightly different reaction -- it wasn't the perfect response, but it was an improvement. A family member with a chronic condition called me to ask a question .... and for which I'd already given the answer (a couple of times, but forgetfulness is part of the condition). I wasn't mean but I wasn't as calm or patient as I could have been. But the big breakthrough came after I hung up the phone.

Normally, I would have gotten more than a little miffed -- not at the person, but at the condition that is causing this to occur pretty regularly. And trust me, I have cursed this particular condition a million times in the last few months. This time, as I put my head in my hands at my desk and breathed deeply, I uttered a prayer that medical research starts working on this -- not that other diseases aren't just as important, but that somewhere along the way, a solution can be found. It might be in cancer research that someone realizes, "You know, this doesn't advance my cause, but look what I've seen in doing this. Hey, I have a friend at NIH who's working on this condition's research .... let me tell him/her my findings!"

One other special note of gratitude: I had some additional training last night at WW and it was a lovely chance to get to see some people I hadn't seen in a long time. I had a mini-meltdown and my leader(s) and territory manager were there to get me through it, along with the trainer they'd brought in. I am appreciative of their insights and also for just listening. That meant so much to me that I am in pure awe of the kindness in people. We always hear the bad because that makes news. And yes, the human interest stories do warm our hearts after hearing the rapes, murders, robberies and general human stupidity that runs rampant. But it's in those wonderful small group moments or the one-to-one times of caring and sharing that we see the good in life and in people ..... and it never gets the recognition it deserves.

Makes me think of the old Anne Murray song "A Little Good News"....... boy, do we need more of that today!

Drinking from a saucer......

The "30 Days of Gratitude" has ended, but the attitude and the wonder hasn't. I was just recapping my month in another blog -- especially the last week having been so insane after such a wonderful weekend. And then it hit me, just how blessed I really am.

• I have a family. There are so many who've lost those who are near and dear to them, whether by death or by other circumstances which separate them. Yes, mine drives me absolutely insane, but they have made me who I am, and I wouldn't trade the me I am and that I'm becoming for anything!!!
• I have good friends. Some I've known for years, others for shorter times. Some live close to me, others across the country or around the world. But each of them is so dear to me and sadly, I don't tell them often enough.
• I have a job -- two, as it is! One is full-time work that I enjoy, even as stressful as it can be at times. The part-time work is truly a gift as well -- it gives me the opportunity to offer encouragement when people need it and to celebrate with them. To have even one in this economy is great, but two is almost more than I can ask for!

I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. There are times when I sit and think even briefly about it and I become almost overwhelmed by all I have and all I am and how it's just gift and blessing.

Years ago, Food for the Poor sent a little booklet out, and in it was this prayer from a gentleman who lives in the Caribbean. I think it's been made into a song, but the book was the first place I ever saw it. This says it all:

Drinking from a Saucer I have never made a fortune, and it’s probably too late now,
I don’t worry about that much, I’m happy anyhow.
As I go along life’s journey, reaping more than I have sowed,
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.

I don’t have lots of riches, and sometimes the going is tough.
I have a family that loves me, and that is quite enough.
I thank God for his blessings and his mercies he’s bestowed.
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong, my faith got a little thin.
Then all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeked through again.
Lord, please help me not to gripe about the tough rows I have hoed.
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage when my way grows steep and tough,
I’ll not ask for other blessings. I’m already blessed enough.
May I never be too busy to help another bear his load.
I’ll keep drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.

~ George McPhee ~
“All You Really Need to Know About Prayer You Can Learn from the Poor”

Deeper than you can know....

I took the opportunity this weekend to go on a retreat sponsored by my parish. It was without a doubt the best gift I have given myself in ages. Not only did it have great spiritual benefit, but it gave me the opportunity to simply let go all the way around.

My current coworkers may see it a little in me, but my previous coworker can tell them oodles of stories about my control issues. One of my current coworkers jokes that she has control issues: "If I'm not in control, I have issues." Well, that's me. I guess deep down, as much as it pains me to even admit so, I am more like my mother than I care to say. Not so much that I'm a worrier in the sense of freaking out about what will happen next as much as "I have to have a plan or several in place in case of what happens next." Always with a contingency plan, even if the plan is "fly by the seat of your pants."

None of that this weekend. Completely at the mercy of others' schedules and plans. And for once, what a joy that was, not to have to be in control. I don't know if I can live there in the long-term, but certainly in the short-term it feels good.

And I don't often share with others the stresses in my life. I do to a small degree with my friends, or else it comes off as rants and then I'm done..... but really, honestly, lately, the stressors large and small have been ripping away at my resources. At one stage of the weekend, after a particularly helpful and beautiful moment in the retreat, I went to a quiet place and sobbed openly, loudly, hoarsely. It was as though all that anxiety and stress and whatever finally found its way out and I could not stop it if I so chose. Even stranger? I woke up the next morning feeling as though I'd gone ten rounds with Tyson. Now.... yes, I'd slept on an air mattress on the floor but that was kind of comfy; I'm in need of a new mattress for home and I haven't made the time to shop for one. But this was achy arms - like I'd worked out with 100-pound dumbbells instead of my five-pounds ones. I spoke to a nurse who was on the retreat with us, and she said to me that yes, sometimes when you let go of that much tension and stress, the body can respond that way. Last night, I ran into a personal trainer at the gym who has a background in exercise physiology -- he said much the same thing. Who would have thought?

I cannot begin to express my gratitude to the ladies of my parish who presented the retreat; to my sisters who shared this experience with me; to Fr. Sandy for his kindness and caring for all of us (and for some good advice too). Many years ago, when I was on another retreat, there was a good book called "Coming Down the Mountain" about how to go back into life after a retreat weekend -- of coming down the mountain slowly instead of tumbling back headlong into all that chaos that real life can be. To put my hands on the book now is an impossible task (if I even still have it - I think I lent it out and didn't get it back). But my task now is to keep as much of the mountain experience in my heart as I continue to re-enter the everyday world.

A slight change of pace.....

Instead of trying to recall exactly what I've been grateful for over the last couple of days, I wanted to take a different tack.

Today, I got an e-mail from a newsletter I subscribe to. The person who runs this website is doing a drawing for a free copy of her guide, if we would simply post what we were grateful for! SWEET, considering I've been pondering the subject for a few weeks, right? And honestly.... I'm so grateful for so much that I hardly know where to start!

I am grateful for opening my eyes each day and drawing breath, for having all my senses intact, for the gift of motion and ability to get from bed to bathroom to kitchen. I am grateful for having the capacity to care for myself each morning and prepare to face the day. I am very grateful for a job to go to each morning, and for work that helps my company. Admittedly, there are times I wish my job involved more hands-on actual HELPING people live and do their best.... but I also realize that if I do my job correctly and if I work to minimize costs and maximize value, I'm doing my part to keep people employed (at least as much as I can do) -- very much needed in this economy.

I'm grateful for a vehicle in good working condition (especially since 90 minutes of my day are spent in it!). I'm grateful for a family who loves me in spite of my failings, my mood swings, my eccentricities....... I'm grateful for friends who love me for me, for all my quirks.

There's so much more to be grateful and thankful for..... if we just stop and think deeply enough about it. Life itself is such a blessing and gift. Why should we be ungrateful???

Sharing wealth....

Last night, I went to a great seminar offered by someone I knew from high school (although I didn't realize it was her until over the weekend). She and her sister-in-law run a side business called "Crazy Couponers" and they teach people how to best utilize coupons and store specials to save money -- where to find them, how to use them, how to share them, and an overview of local stores' policies. It was a great couple of hours of my time, and while I already use coupons, I picked up some great ideas!

And I got to see some other friends from high school there. A couple in particular were girls I hadn't seen in forever -- probably not since my brother was in high school himself! They were just floored by the changes in me and wanted to know the whole scoop -- so I shared my information with them as well. (A quick note here: for those of you finding me through Vanessa's e-mail, I have a whole other blog which tells the story of my big change: Weighty Matters). So the evening was full of good news, good stories, good times.

On the drive home, I realized we had all been sharing wealth: a wealth of experience, knowledge and information. Debbie & Tosha didn't have to start a business to help people in a tangible way. They charged a very small fee, but we got back so much more. They did it to share the wealth - to help people in a real way. One person might save a couple hundred bucks a year on groceries or personal products they buy. Someone else might save two thousand just based on their habits or needs. And it's a habit that can be used whether times are good or bad.

I am grateful for their time, their knowledge, and their willingness to share!

More Thankful Moments

Friday, April 16 -- I am grateful for the beauty of a warm spring day. We really do need rain to wash away some of the highest pollen counts in years, yet it was so lovely to step outside without being socked by the muggies (don't worry - June will be here soon enough for that!).

Saturday, April 17 -- Today I met with my spiritual director again. It is beyond wonderful to have someone to speak with about what my spiritual life is like ..... and someone who can not only understand my position on some things but offer new perspectives. Yesterday, one of the perspectives that she offered is that the work I do through WW isn't just a job, but a calling, a ministry. I needed to hear that. It has been far too long since I believed that anything I did other than my cantoring was a ministry. But in many ways, this is a ministry ....... and I am so glad that I was open enough to change my life to provide an outlet for God to work in me. God isn't done with me yet (another reason to be glad!).

Sunday, April 18 -- Along those same lines, I am so glad for the energy to be able to accomplish most of what I need to do in a day. I still have laundry to be done today, but it's not like I have to wash it by hand.... :D So let me sign off here, and get to it!!!

Playing catch-up!

I haven't been ungrateful, just busier than a toothless beaver in a dam-building contest. Crazy, busy week but really good in a lot of ways. So I decided to lump 5 days' worth of gr-attitudes into one big post.

Sunday, April 11 -- I am grateful for the opportunity to share my musical abilities, such as they are, with my faith community. I am humbled by the trust and confidence that Paula, our musical director, has in me and my abilities. As much as I prefer and enjoy the 10:00 AM Mass, there's something about the 8:00 that has its own charms too.

Monday, April 12 -- I'm both grateful and pleasantly surprised when things work a little more smoothly than you think they might. "Payroll Mondays" are usually crazy-busy and I sometimes feel I'm constantly chasing down information .... especially frustrating when everyone KNOWS I do this every other Monday! But this week, it worked out just fine - mostly on time, and even the upload server was behaving. AH!!!!

Tuesday, April 13 -- It is nice to know that at work, whenever I need help or even confirmation that I'm on the right track, I can get in touch with my Corporate HR manager or group leader and have that knowledge confirmed or to get a different perspective. My manager was in to do some training today, and will do some general safety training tomorrow. We went for dinner, as is the usual case when she comes to visit, and had a great time just chatting and sharing stories -- everything from her girlfriends and their big weekends to our dogs (she has a Lab, I have a Lab mix). It was a great time to communicate on a more personal level - not always about work! (And kudos to Macaroni Grill -- the Spiedini dishes are SO, SO good -- but one complaint: bring back the creamy fat-free Italian dressing! I Love It!)

Wednesday, April 14 -- Happiness is a dog licking you over and over again, just because you're home and he's glad to see you. End of story.

Thursday, April 15 -- I am grateful for a good chiropractor who works the kinks out and makes your whole spine and torso feel normal again. It also doesn't hurt when you can discuss really profound topics too -- such as cartoons and voiceover artists and movies ........ thanks Dr. Paul, you're the best!!!!

The joys of joydriving.....

Yesterday, I wrote in my primary blog about the experience of "joy-driving" -- of hopping in the car with nowhere to go, no place to be, and nothing to do. The funny thing is that as I was flying to get to my (cancelled) appointment, I saw the prettiest sight of the whole day.

My appointment was in the small town where some of my father's siblings live. It was also the road we would take to get to my grandmother's apartment, at least for the first 13 years or so of my life. I have both ridden and driven on that highway so often, I could almost do it blindfolded (almost....).

Yesterday, I caught sight of a pasture at the turnoff to my uncle's house -- now I've seen that place before so many times, whether I continue on toward his house or stay on the main road. But something about the scene yesterday morning at 10:30 made me gasp. It was beyond beautiful. Green pastures -- amazing, since our rain totals are a little behind the norm so far this year. Just the right angle of sun. The perfect shade of blue in the sky to complement the earth's greens and red clay dirt. It was unbelievably fantastic.

Thankful for quick healing!

I mentioned briefly earlier that I had a "sports injury" on Wednesday night. It wasn't incapacitating, but it was pretty sore on Thursday morning. By yesterday morning (Friday), it was down to almost no pain at all -- enough that I was able to fit in a workout last night, including squats (the very exercise that I was doing when the injury happened).

I am thankful that the body is an amazing piece of work ... able to regenerate and rejuvenate and restore itself ... and able to do it even better when we truly treat our bodies with respect and love. I am definitely not perfect in that regard, but I do the best I can and it pays me back well!

Thursday's gr-attitude moment

There's no question of what I was thankful for on Thursday: RAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Every car in the parking lot since Monday has been covered in pollen. Even the asphalt instead had that yellow-green veneer over it. Sneezing and hacking throughout the building. Watery eyes and the sounds of tissues being pulled from boxes. I have little problems with tree pollen (at least so far) but grass will kill me .... so my day is still coming. I joked with someone at work that this wasn't quite what the environmentalists had in mind for a "greener" world......

But then the rain came yesterday. Yes, it was heavy rain and lots of wind, thunder and lightning, and it spawned a couple of maybe-tornadoes (the NWS will be checking damage later today in a couple of spots). But the rain itself was so appreciated! About 4:00, when it really started pouring down, we looked outside briefly to see a yellow-green river floating by. I came out into the parking lot last night and there was a yellow film over a puddle that had formed. But my beautiful vehicle is now no longer "Pearl Green" but is at last again using her birth name, "Pearl White"!

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I'm also very glad that my "sports injury" is healing pretty quickly. I pulled or strained something in my left groin area (heard my hip bone pop a little as I did a squat). OOPS! It's still a little sore but not nearly as much as it had been Wednesday night or Thursday morning. YAY! That means I can hit the gym tonight for a modified, easier mild workout. No elliptical tonight but I will be doing a quick warmup on the recumbent bike and then an arm workout -- no squats either!

The power of a name....

Odd as it sounds, I am grateful for having a medical condition with a name. Once a syndrome, a condition, a disease has a name, it becomes real. You learn how to treat it, how to live with it, if there is a cure or a way to alleviate or manage it.

In my case, it's primary lymphedema -- most likely hereditary, since a cousin has the same condition, and she mentioned that my great-grandmother may have had it as well. It requires lifelong management, like so many other chronic conditions, but it's a treatment plan that I can easily do.

Right now, I'm going for Manual Lymphatic Drainage massages every 2 weeks. Each day, I wear medical level support hose each day. I wear an additional pair of lighter support knee-highs over those. When I'm not wearing those, I wrap my legs with short-stretch compression bandages and foam padding to further assist in the compression process. Is it time-consuming to do that? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Since beginning the MLD, my legs have shrunk dramatically.

I have learned how to properly care for my skin on the affected limbs. Because of the nature of the condition, I'm at greater risk for skin infections from cuts, abrasions, even mosquito bites. I had an irritated spot at my ankle; it was probably caused by the skin getting caught in the fold of the hosiery. It took about 3 weeks to heal - waaaaay longer than it should have under normal conditions. But it healed, with only a small localized area that became infected.

It has a name. It has a treatment regimen. I pray for all those out there with unnamed conditions and unknown treatments ...... that someday, they too will know its name.

Today's moment of gratitude

Today, I am grateful for a beautiful day at lunchtime! I went out to my car to eat my meal, with the windows down, the sunroof open -- and after lunch, a recline in the bucket seat and even a quickie nap. And best of all? I woke up JUST IN TIME to get back into the office with an exact one-hour lunch!!! You have to love a day like that, and the One who gave it to us!

So here's the reason for this.....

I got a message on FB from an old messageboard buddy, who also does life coaching. She had offered April as "30 Days of Gratitude" -- and boy, do I need it.

I did this in November, when it seemed everyone on FB was doing it in honor of Thanksgiving, etc. I promise you, I had a pretty decent month because I took time each morning to ponder what, really, I was grateful for that day.

Lately, my life has been such a cyclone of chaos, I can't even begin to unravel it all. Work is fine -- I have a job, but the stress of having to juggle two very different tasks is beginning to get to me. Home is .... well, I hate that I have been so moody and snappy with my loved ones. I have been overdone for several weeks now. You don't have to remind me -- this isn't healthy by any stretch. I know that sooner or later, I have to take care of myself better or it will not be a pretty meltdown.

I have started by signing up for a retreat at church later this month - one that I desperately needed to do back in October (when I was just as stressed) but couldn't due to another obligation that weekend. I have begun spiritual direction with a sister from a local convent as another way to help. And I plan to call my EAP (which I have been meaning and meaning to do for weeks anyway) to get their assistance with a couple of things where I need some outside resources.

But there are things that I can do as well, starting with getting rid of this pissy attitude I've had for a while.

I'm a few days late, but here is my list (so far this month of what I'm really grateful for)........

April 1: I am grateful for the life of my Aunt Clovie, whom we buried today. She was kind yet no-nonsense, hospitable and sweet, and I know that she will be missed by us all. She was the last of my grandmother's siblings, and it's hard to believe that such an important person to us is now gone. But I also know that she's watching over us - and will give us a cosmic swat when we need it too!

April 2: I am grateful for the sacrifice made by Our Lord on the original Good Friday. His example of purely selfless love is something I know I can never attain, but that won't stop me from trying.

April 3: I am grateful for a good weigh-in this morning!!!! I have obsessed to the point of distraction over this month's numbers, and I'm so glad they turned out fine. I am also grateful for my family, who don't seem to mind my culinary experiments and attempts -- let's hope they enjoy tomorrow's Greek Easter Feast! (Odd, since we're not Greek but the seasoning is so good I can't resist!)

April 4: I am grateful for a beautiful warm sunny day, and the ability to get out and enjoy it. I am grateful for my canine companion for his undying, undeserved devotion! I cannot imagine my life without him in it!

April 5: I am grateful for my job, even as it causes me to go gray early. I am grateful to have a reason to take on the day, in the attempt to help even one person every day. I am also grateful for people who help me out, even when I don't ask -- I was changing out a handle at the gym's cable station and one of the guy weightlifters came over and said, "Oh, let me get that for you." Heck yeah, buddy!!! Go right ahead! Turns out he later needed that handle anyway, so it worked out well for us both!


I plan to update this frequently - if not every day, then every other. I want to keep this going.... I need to keep this going.

Stay tuned!