Two days of gratitude

OOPS! I forgot to post yesterday. I am grateful for family photos that turned out well - and for my family who puts up with "okay gang, time for Christmas card photos!" each year. We just do candid shots.... usually in the back yard, since it makes the dog so much easier to control. This year, it was easier to just put the harness on him and do them on the front steps. We got in some great shots!

Today, I am grateful for an e-mail. Last night, before retiring, I was in a foul mood. Long story, and not really all that important anyway. Then this morning, when I went to my car, I had an "error message": "Warning! Tire Very Low!" My sweet daddy was out checking my tires at 5:15 AM, and then I had to stop to pump one up (not very low at all, but hey, what do I know....). THEN turning into the shopping center where my gym is located, this car cut me off, turning left in front to me. I was not happy. At all.

I checked my e-mail this morning to find my "Message from the Universe" ...... "What if I told you that your every conflict, disappointment, struggle or challenge, with others or yourself, was merely a manifestation of what's going on within your own thinking... would you go there first to fix, mend, and allay? Yeah, you might miss the drama."

Booyah. Universe 1, Me 0. Massive smackdown ..... true, and needed. So that's a challenge for me. Fix me, since I'm the only one I can fix, control, etc. Ever learning this.......

Today's moment of gratitude

Today, I am grateful for the kindness of strangers!

I was at my part-time Saturday job. I had wrapped up all the paperwork to close out, locked up the front, went out the back to put the trash in the bin and....... WHAM! there went the back door. Locked. With all my stuff -- and I mean, EVERYTHING -- still inside. I walked around the side and down to the PakMail location. The owner is usually kind enough to mail off my tally and other paperwork for me, so I thought he might be kind enough to let me use his phone to call the locksmith whose label graced our door.

The owner wasn't there, but one of his employees whom I'd never met before was. He was glad to let me use the phone. The locksmith didn't seem to know what key went to our suite, asking me, "I don't think it's been changed since y'all moved in, but who was the tenant before you?"

I have no idea, sir, I just work here on Saturdays.

Suddenly, the Pakmail guy says, "WAIT! DUH! I have a key; we drop off your packages there all the time!" Sure enough, we walked down and voila! worked like a charm.

WHEW! I gathered my goodies, locked up, dropped off my items to mail, and headed home. All because of the kindness of someone who was willing to help me in whatever way possible. So if you are in the Clemson-Seneca area, I highly recommend the kind people at PakMail at Heritage Pointe (the Bloom shopping center, even though it's really not Bloom anymore but Food Lion.... but I digress).

Fantastic Friday

I am thankful today for the gift of knowledge. I don't just mean the factoids that we gather from our schooling or various media. I mean knowledge that changes us so fundamentally that we move our lives from a place where ignorance is bliss to knowledge is power. And once you empower yourself with knowledge -- both those facts and the changed life -- you never want to go back.

I'm thankful for knowledge that comes from my learning, from my faith, from those life experiences that have made me a more powerful, more knowledgeable person. And for all I have yet to learn, I give thanks in advance!

Thursday's thankfulness...

For two of the best godchildren ever -- thank you, Lord. As it is highly unlikely that I will have kids, you have instead blessed me with two of the most wonderful, amazing creatures ever to dance into a life and change it forever. They are each precious to me in their own special way: funny, engaging, and just plain lots of fun to be around.

It is more than an honor, it is a privilege to be part of their lives. And I pray daily for their health, their well-being, and their continued growth in favor and in grace with God and with humanity.

Today, I am thankful for...

.... my dog's keen sense of hearing.

Last night, he began barking heavily. I'm not sure what time it was... just that it was sometime in the middle of the night, something disturbed him and he felt the need to alert us all. Repeatedly. Often.

While, yes, we lost a little sleep over it, I for one am very glad that he's sharp and can hear things that we cannot. Something made his Spidey-sense tingle, not in the good way, and he wanted to let us know. Granted, in this case, it was probably just a bird -- we heard some whistling outside, and figure it was most likely the case, if it wasn't someone actually whistling for their pet.

I'm thankful that he looks out for us, that he is alert and watchful, that he knows that we will care for him in the same way.

It's been too long....

So with today being November 1, I figure no better time than this month to get back to really being grateful and letting people know what it is about life, about them, about the world that I appreciate.

Today, I'm so grateful to have work that I enjoy, that's meaningful and helpful, and that allows me to grow and develop as an employee and a person. Today, I was especially grateful for a good sick leave policy that allowed me to leave ...... because I was feeling SUPER-lousy about 2:00 today. But in everything, give thanks. And in this case, I'm actually a little grateful for being sick.... it allowed me to get some much needed rest (apparently way more needed than I realized).

So let us always look for the good, improve the wrong, and move toward greater gratitude!

It has been too long

since I have blogged here, but I am grateful for the ability to have a moment to do so. So much has happened since I have blogged last:

About 2 days after my last post, Mom had a follow-up with the cardiologist about her stress test. He went over the details with her and had one question that had no answer: "So. Did they give you the exact date that you had your heart attack?" And that, my friends, is how we found out what had happened. I don't think Mom has allowed it to really sink in that she is now a cardiac patient. She isn't making all the necessary lifestyle changes, and I am so sad for that.... and yet, so glad that she is still here for now.

In early October, I came home from choir practice to have my brother say, "Oh by the way, Mom and Dad are at the hospital. They think Uncle (C) has had a stroke...." My aunt's husband had indeed had a major stroke, and sadly did not recover. Around 4 weeks later, he passed away from the complications, and now my poor aunt is really struggling. This spring would have been their 55th anniversary. He was the first of the line of siblings and spouses to pass, and that is a weird feeling.... it is disconcerting (at the very least) to think that these people who had such looming presence in my childhood are now slipping away. But I see it already ... both of my dad's sisters have had their share of health issues, another brother is diabetic (along with one of the sisters), another aunt-by-marriage has also had heart issues, another has also had a mild stroke (but made a good recovery), and who knows what else is going on that they're not talking about. I'm grateful, however, that they are still around, because it's helping to answer some of the health questions I am facing where heredity may play a stronger part than I think.

But wait -- that very same night, not 20 minutes after my brother said it, I logged onto Facebook and received another horrific shock. A fraternity brother of mine -- only 3 months older than me -- had died that Monday. To make it even stranger, she died on the 14th anniversary of my grandmother's passing .... and buried on the 14th anniversary of my grandmother's burial. Completely freaked me out to realize this (which I did about 2 weeks after the fact). She had just had surgery about 3 weeks before her death, and so everyone's first thought was whether it could be a complication -- an unforeseen blood clot, etc. Even her husband, a physician, was stymied. The initial phase of the autopsy didn't register anything unusual -- no heart attack, no blood clot, no stroke.... waiting on toxicology reports. They think it turned out to be a reaction of some sort to one of the medicines she was taking for her recovery. Another frat brother gone way too soon.

All of this has somehow galvanized me to greater advocacy and educational efforts. I almost feel as if for the last two years of my life, I am being asked by some greater cosmic good to be an agent for this: "educate and advocate" seems to be a mantra that crops up over and over again. And I'm grateful to be in such a place in my life where I feel that I can do this -- I don't know quite how it will all unfold but I know I am looking forward to what is out there.

And as always, I am grateful for every opportunity to make a difference to someone.

For what we are about to receive....

In The Sound of Music (the movie), on Maria's first night with the von Trapp's, the entire family is seated for dinner. She asks the Captain if he has forgotten something, and he very sheepishly realizes that they have failed to say grace before the meal. She offers this prayer: "For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful."

So I had that thought in my head today -- it's so very easy for me to be thankful for everything I have received already. What about being grateful for those things to come, both expected and unexpected, planned and unplanned blessings? What is to come for me in the next few days, weeks, and months for which I am to express my gratitude?

• The bountiful fall harvest: I have already purchased the first of the apples for the fall (a nice half-peck bag of honeycrisps). On my trip to the farmer's market Saturday, I noticed the bulb & root vegetables on sale: potatoes, onions, the last of the summer squashes and just a few of the fall/winter ones to come. I am already perusing the fall soup/stew recipes and am gleefully anticipating making those (along with the summer vegetable soups I have already put in the freezer).
• The workload over the next few months: I know, that sounds totally odd, doesn't it? I'm already thinking I've got more on my plate already than I can say grace over, and you want me to what? But I realize what a blessing it is to have work, to be busy and to have a place to go each day -- especially when so many do not.
• The beautiful fall weather: Mornings are already getting to be nice and crisp! Love it, love it, love it. Autumn is my very favorite season. Although I am no fan of cold weather, there's something about the dormancy that appeals to me. That nature is resting up to start all over again with the beauty of spring and the bounty of summer and fall. And the preparation that nature does in autumn is a balm to the soul. There is something soothing about knowing that the universe keeps right on schedule, even if human life seems to be crazy.
  
• FOOTBALL! 'Nuff said. With apologies to Ben Franklin, it is Football (and not beer) which is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy. Of course, combined with beer, I suppose it's just a double happiness (if you're a beer fan). I'll take a Woodchuck, please.
• The upcoming women's retreat: I'm on the retreat team for a women's retreat in 2 weekends at church. I am really excited about what is in store for not just the women making the retreat, but all of us who have bonded since our own weekend to present this for these women.
  

So what are you about to receive in the few weeks to come? Are you truly ready to be thankful for all that comes your way?

So very grateful this weekend....

I finally made an appointment for my mom with an internal med doctor who is also a geriatrician. We saw her yesterday, and I have only one thing to say: DR. I. KICKS POSTERIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She was a little behind in getting to see us but it was worth the extra time. She really listened to what we had to say and she was floored that Mom hadn't had any follow-up.... she immediately called for an EKG and labwork, just based on some initial questions and "breathe deep" exercises.

Sometime during the exam, she asked about something and Mom replied, "I'm sorry, I don't remember...." Dr. I said, "No! No need to apologize, we're here to find out the answers to help you move forward." Let me tell you - I dropped my head right then and offered up a big ol' thank you to God, the angels, the saints and whomever else was responsible for that moment.

I just learned that she called Mom back yesterday afternoon after some of the lab results came in. She's increasing Mom's dosage of Lasix without adjusting anything else for right now. This is a good thing; Mom has a lot of noticeable fluid retention. From the ankles up, it really is just like a medical text drawing of what a CHF patient might look like.

Mom is scheduled for an ultrasound on her heart next Wednesday, and a follow-up to this appointment in 2 weeks. Dr. I was startled by the previous lack of follow-up. She didn't seem to fazed by the medication combinations, so maybe the side effects/combinations I had read about aren't quite as bad as I thought, or it might apply more to long-term usage. We'll see.....

And Mom likes Dr. I too - she's direct but caring, and it was pretty obvious that she really takes an interest in her patients. I'm definitely glad I did this for Mom.

I'm not ungrateful....

Just really, really busy lately. I told one of my friends at church today that I was almost a little scared to actually sit down long enough at Mass to listen, because I might just fall asleep. But I didn't, so thank goodness for that! Snoring would have been embarrassing. (HA!)

There's still the ongoing medical stuff .... Mom is feeling a little better, having lost about 15 pounds of just fluid. I'm still going to make her see a geriatrician. And I'm still trying to find an internal medicine/endocrinologist who's willing to see me. I cannot explain it other than a hunch, but I don't think I've found all the answers. It might not be my thyroid, but you can't tell me some hormonal imbalance somewhere isn't at work. Example: it was air temp 95 on Thursday (who knows what for the heat index... around 110?), and I was sitting in my office wearing a cardigan and with a wrap thrown over my legs. I went outside to get warm. It felt fantastic to walk out into the oven that was the parking lot. Now, granted, our part of the office is always the coldest... but everyone else in our area was fine. This inability to enjoy cool air in this sort of heat wave concerns me greatly. It is not normal.

And right now while the doctors don't have answers for me, I'm glad I have friends who support me and agree with me that this is not normal. So I feel much love and gratitude for them!!!

Striving to be grateful

I must admit that for the last couple of weeks, it has been less than easy for me to have a grateful heart. My mother has been ill and it's been a nightmare just trying to get a diagnosis. The worst symptom by far has been her constant nausea (and no, trust me, she'd better not be frickin' pregnant in her 70s!). It went from maybe something she ate or being tired from a trip to "well, maybe she has pneumonia" to "Oh wow, you've got fluid around your heart" to "wow, the Phenergan still isn't working? Huh. Come back in" to "Well, it could be acid reflux."

To complicate matters, Mom is being puny - and to be honest, I've questioned how much is physical illness and how much is emotionally driven. I don't doubt that she has the physical symptoms, but truly... suck it up. Quit hyperventilating over some of this. And I'll take you to the ER if need be, but I am not paying your copay or treating you like some lotus blossom. I know, that sounds cruel, but you live the 40 years of history, and then tell me I'm a bitch.

So here I am, slightly ticked at this illness that won't go away, slightly ticked at the "(heaving sigh) woe is me" 'tude and PLENTY ticked at the business end of the medical profession - that which requires you to prove you have been through all the what-ifs first.

Here's the deal: FLUID ON THE HEART. You don't mess with it, you order a flippin' test to determine where it's coming from and what the fluid consists of, how it came to be around her heart and how you can keep it at bay. You determine what is physical and what is psychosomatic (if anything). YOU FIND ANSWERS. Or at least not just saying, "Well, I have to do this first, for insurance to cover it."

Here's the thing: I'm grateful I still have my mom, I'm grateful that she's had the same PCP for about 50 years who has treated her at nearly every stage of her adult life (young & single, newlywed, new mother, into middle age, and now as older adult). I'm grateful she has good insurance on top of her Medicare. I'm grateful for so much of that, and I want to have her here and healthier, even if it's just to be foils for each other. Think Claree and Ouiser (I can't decide if I'd rather be Claree or Ouiser!).

Yes, I fight with her. I push her buttons, she pushes all mine as only mothers and daughters can do to each other. And that's precisely why I am fighting like hell for her. I refuse to allow this to consume her, and I will do everything I can to see it doesn't.

Grateful for girlfriends

Throughout my life, I have always had friends of both genders. While at times, my closest friends have been men, I find that the power of girlfriends is a strong, deep bond that I never want to lose.

In my childhood, it was Em and Tee. Em and I had first met in the church nursery, and Tee came along when I was about 6-1/2 or so. Even though our lives diverged in many ways after high school, and we lost the closeness we'd once shared, Em and Tee were my first soul-sisters. The girls who knew my strengths and weaknesses, my highs and lows, who grieved and wept with me and cheered me on. Sadly, we lost Tee to breast cancer a few years back. Let me tell you, if I thought cancer was a thievin' SOB before, losing her magnified that feeling. I haven't seen Em in forever, but I see her sister and mom on occasion and keep up with her that way.

In high school, I had other girlfriends as well -- the girls from yearbook staff, who laughed with me and taught me not to take myself too seriously at all. The friends from across the state whom I met at various conferences.... I just reminisced with one of them that we've been friends for twenty-five years now. Holy frijoles, Batman.......

In college, I met the person who has become the sister that I didn't have biologically. She and I have been through many ups and downs of life. The gifts she has given me -- her unconditional love and acceptance, the offering of sharing her faith, the trust in making me godmother to her children -- are things I treasure so very deeply. I can't begin to say how much she and her family have meant to me -- not just she and her husband and kids, but even her parents, stepparents and siblings have taken me into their lives as well.

One of my other dearest girlfriends is a coworker .... well, she started out as my "boss" in a volunteer capacity, became my coworker later, and has become a dear friend as time has gone on. She too has taken me in as part of her family. Sadly, we haven't gotten together in a long time and I miss her dearly. Our lives have diverged a little over the last few years - she's a grandmother now, and my schedule is crazy. But it's no excuse. I need to reconnect with her and soon!

I have retreat sisters now, twice over. This latest group is so very precious to me, I cannot begin to describe it. We're sharing our joys and sorrows with each other as we're learning to share our faith with each other and with other people.

I have 2 sets of very special heart-friends whom I have met through 'Net connections over the years and I love them dearly. One set came from a roundtable discussion group, four of us ladies and one dear man. The others are the wives of some of my guy friends, and I love them in their own right, not just because I was friends with their husbands. All of them have seen me through good times and bad, and stuck by me through it all.

And I have two or three groups of message-board girlfriends. The ones to which I have drawn closest have been my rock in the last two or three years. I cherish the interactions with them - the fun, the silly, the serious, the quick "hey, just wanted to say..." and the long stories. We see each other through births, deaths, separations from loved ones, medical issues, moves from one place to another. When we got together for a girl's weekend last summer, it was as if we'd known each other all our lives.

Ladies, I'm here to tell you: if you don't have a group of girlfriends, you are missing out on something precious and dear. Yeah, we chicks can be a catty bunch at times, but you know, we can also lift you up when you need it most or hold your basket for you. Know why? We've been there too in some way. We understand what you mean when you say certain things.

Nothing against my guy friends at all - they are just as dear to me, and I love the different perspective they provide. But I would never trade my girlfriends for anything, and that includes the winning lottery ticket.

Honor and gratitude

Today I logged onto Facebook as usual, and found out about an application that would allow me to "donate" my status in memory of a fallen serviceperson. Well, heck yeah, I am all for that!

There has been some military service in my family, and one death -- my great-uncle James, who died in 1942 in the Pacific. Whether it was in action or not, I do not know. He died before my father was born, and so he never knew him. The one story I had heard or read somewhere was that my great-grandmother was inconsolable. She bought a huge cemetery plot -- enough for 10 people -- but as far as I know, only she and my great-uncle are buried there. My grandfather is buried with my grandmother, at a perpetual care facility on the other side of that town, even though they definitely both could have been buried there.

Anyway, since I didn't know if he was actually killed in action, I didn't put his information into the application. Instead I allowed it to randomly find someone....... and it was just as poignant to me: SP4 Wilbert Eugene Jones, killed in the Vietnam War. When I saw that, I knew I had to find out more about him.

I Googled him and found a SP4 Wilbert E. Jones, and information about him at VirtualWall.org (PS: that's another thing on my bucket list: visiting the Wall; Jamie O'Hara's song "50,000 Names" still brings me to tears). He was from Eden, North Carolina, only about 4-5 hours from here. He was an infantryman, died at age 21, in Quang Tri province on 30 July 1969.

Why did Spec-4 Jones and his story affect me? My Daddy was an SP4, in Europe, during the Vietnam War era. It was only because of my grandfather's stroke and Dad being the last unmarried child that he was able to come home safe and sound before he saw combat. Daddy worked with rockets & missiles, so I have always believed that he would have been sent to 'Nam at some point. I am here today because of that odd stroke of fate (no pun intended).

This made me wonder if perhaps Daddy served with this guy at some point or knew him from boot camp or any of the other places he went. It just made me really stop and think about this fella -- who he might have been, where he was from........ So I printed the information for my daddy, telling him what I'd done and what I'd found. Daddy deciphered all the arcane Army jargon and acronyms. He didn't serve with him, but there was an immediate level of kinship, brothers in arms quite literally. Specialist Jones' tour began in December 1968, the same time my parents were celebrating their first Christmas together. He died 3 months before my own birth. His birthday? March 26..... my daddy's is March 6 (although 4 years earlier).

I wondered about the friends and family that Specialist Jones left behind there in Eden and at the various bases where he was stationed. I wonder how many of them are still here today to think of him, to be grateful for his ultimate sacrifice, to celebrate the person he was and to mourn what might have been. I wish I knew more of his story but I hope that he is never forgotten.

Living in the moment

One of the hardest life lessons I am learning is to let go & let God. To simply be, and not work so hard at .... well, at everything. And I don't mean work or my mission in life. It's that I have such trouble simply living in a moment. I'm not sure how to really explain it.

I think that from the time I was a kid, I've had the need to prove myself to everyone on some level. Being a fat kid meant that I had to do things twice as well because I didn't want people to judge me just on my size. Being an overachieving kid meant that I had to work twice as hard when things didn't come easy to me. "Better, faster, stronger" wasn't just the motto for the Six Million Dollar Man.... it became my way of life. And let me tell you, it will flat wear you to a nub. Constantly trying to live up to the high standards I set for myself is admirable, but there are times when I just want to say, "No, this is as good as it gets right now, and if it's not enough for you, I'm really sorry."

I am so grateful today for Sister Helen, my spiritual director. On the way to my appointment with her today, I was stricken by a church sign about faith and works. Pondering that led to another round of tangential thinking (no; you don't say) and then to sensing God was telling me something important. I grew up in a church denomination that consistently railed against Catholics for "earning" their salvation; at least that was how they understood all the various devotions -- as a way to earn your keep with God. But I'm here to tell you, as a Catholic, I've found that line of thinking to be the biggest fallacy ever. In my childhood faith, you had to be extra-good, to always set the example... gee, wonder why that line of thinking spilled over from faith into my life? I worked damn harder as a Protestant to earn God's love than I ever have done as a Catholic.

So anyway, as I was thinking about that and realizing where that whole mindset spilled over into my "real life," it was like I felt God say, "STOP THIS NOW! All I ever want you to do is just be."

Just be. How? I don't know what it's like to simply rest secure in anything. Just be. Live in the moment. Stop worrying and let go of the anxiety of life. Just be. Breathe deep. Know where you are. Know your body's reaction to things. Learn to quiet your mind. Just be. Stop trying to prove I'm better, faster, stronger, smarter. Accept who I am. Just be. Trust. Recognize that you can only control so much; the rest of the universe is not in your hands for a reason. Trust. Just be.

It is so hard for me to trust enough to let go. My mother has jokingly called me her "independent little cuss" for most of my life. If I had a t-shirt made with a life motto, it would probably read, "I'll Do It Myself, Thanks!" As my coworker half-jokes, "I have control issues. If I'm not in control, then I have issues." I understand completely what she means. Why do I find it so difficult to trust, to let go, to live in each moment as it comes without regret for the past and anxiety for the future?

On the "Hell Freezes Over" CD in '94, the Eagles had a lovely song that didn't get enough airplay or recognition called "Learn to Be Still"........ I really need to pay attention to that song again, and take its lessons to heart.

I want so much to find the place where I can do this. And I do believe that more gratitude is key to this - to simply be glad for all that comes my way, to recognize every circumstance as gift and lesson. So I want to keep practicing gratitude. I want to learn to accept whatever comes my way as a precious moment, without wondering what's the hidden agenda. It may not be the final answer to my quest, but I think it's a good place to start.

Gratitude and this week.

I don't know if it was the retreat, thinking about gratitude or what has happened, but with a few exceptions, I seem to be a little more aware of things. My perceptions and attitudes are shifting -- sometimes slowly but noticeably, sometimes not so well.

I mentioned Vanessa's "30 Days" concept to my chiropractor and how I had started this blog in response. I told him that the only place I really need to work on it is my response to traffic snarls. I have to admit, I'm one of those people who tries hard to leave early so that I can either avoid the snarls or at least account for them. I am also, however, someone whose idea of a good drive is getting from Point A to Point B in the most time- and traffic-efficient way possible. But he gave me a new perspective; for him, gratitude is a very important facet. And he noted that when he's stuck in traffic, he tries to respond with "Thanks God, because I'm not involved in the situation that's caused the slowdown..." or even "Thanks for having me slow down a little to avoid a disaster...." Now there's a nice gr-attitude to have!

Just yesterday, I had a situation occur that four weeks ago would have caused a slightly different reaction -- it wasn't the perfect response, but it was an improvement. A family member with a chronic condition called me to ask a question .... and for which I'd already given the answer (a couple of times, but forgetfulness is part of the condition). I wasn't mean but I wasn't as calm or patient as I could have been. But the big breakthrough came after I hung up the phone.

Normally, I would have gotten more than a little miffed -- not at the person, but at the condition that is causing this to occur pretty regularly. And trust me, I have cursed this particular condition a million times in the last few months. This time, as I put my head in my hands at my desk and breathed deeply, I uttered a prayer that medical research starts working on this -- not that other diseases aren't just as important, but that somewhere along the way, a solution can be found. It might be in cancer research that someone realizes, "You know, this doesn't advance my cause, but look what I've seen in doing this. Hey, I have a friend at NIH who's working on this condition's research .... let me tell him/her my findings!"

One other special note of gratitude: I had some additional training last night at WW and it was a lovely chance to get to see some people I hadn't seen in a long time. I had a mini-meltdown and my leader(s) and territory manager were there to get me through it, along with the trainer they'd brought in. I am appreciative of their insights and also for just listening. That meant so much to me that I am in pure awe of the kindness in people. We always hear the bad because that makes news. And yes, the human interest stories do warm our hearts after hearing the rapes, murders, robberies and general human stupidity that runs rampant. But it's in those wonderful small group moments or the one-to-one times of caring and sharing that we see the good in life and in people ..... and it never gets the recognition it deserves.

Makes me think of the old Anne Murray song "A Little Good News"....... boy, do we need more of that today!

Drinking from a saucer......

The "30 Days of Gratitude" has ended, but the attitude and the wonder hasn't. I was just recapping my month in another blog -- especially the last week having been so insane after such a wonderful weekend. And then it hit me, just how blessed I really am.

• I have a family. There are so many who've lost those who are near and dear to them, whether by death or by other circumstances which separate them. Yes, mine drives me absolutely insane, but they have made me who I am, and I wouldn't trade the me I am and that I'm becoming for anything!!!
• I have good friends. Some I've known for years, others for shorter times. Some live close to me, others across the country or around the world. But each of them is so dear to me and sadly, I don't tell them often enough.
• I have a job -- two, as it is! One is full-time work that I enjoy, even as stressful as it can be at times. The part-time work is truly a gift as well -- it gives me the opportunity to offer encouragement when people need it and to celebrate with them. To have even one in this economy is great, but two is almost more than I can ask for!

I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. There are times when I sit and think even briefly about it and I become almost overwhelmed by all I have and all I am and how it's just gift and blessing.

Years ago, Food for the Poor sent a little booklet out, and in it was this prayer from a gentleman who lives in the Caribbean. I think it's been made into a song, but the book was the first place I ever saw it. This says it all:

Drinking from a Saucer I have never made a fortune, and it’s probably too late now,
I don’t worry about that much, I’m happy anyhow.
As I go along life’s journey, reaping more than I have sowed,
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.

I don’t have lots of riches, and sometimes the going is tough.
I have a family that loves me, and that is quite enough.
I thank God for his blessings and his mercies he’s bestowed.
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong, my faith got a little thin.
Then all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeked through again.
Lord, please help me not to gripe about the tough rows I have hoed.
I’m drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage when my way grows steep and tough,
I’ll not ask for other blessings. I’m already blessed enough.
May I never be too busy to help another bear his load.
I’ll keep drinking from a saucer, ‘cause my cup has overflowed.

~ George McPhee ~
“All You Really Need to Know About Prayer You Can Learn from the Poor”

Deeper than you can know....

I took the opportunity this weekend to go on a retreat sponsored by my parish. It was without a doubt the best gift I have given myself in ages. Not only did it have great spiritual benefit, but it gave me the opportunity to simply let go all the way around.

My current coworkers may see it a little in me, but my previous coworker can tell them oodles of stories about my control issues. One of my current coworkers jokes that she has control issues: "If I'm not in control, I have issues." Well, that's me. I guess deep down, as much as it pains me to even admit so, I am more like my mother than I care to say. Not so much that I'm a worrier in the sense of freaking out about what will happen next as much as "I have to have a plan or several in place in case of what happens next." Always with a contingency plan, even if the plan is "fly by the seat of your pants."

None of that this weekend. Completely at the mercy of others' schedules and plans. And for once, what a joy that was, not to have to be in control. I don't know if I can live there in the long-term, but certainly in the short-term it feels good.

And I don't often share with others the stresses in my life. I do to a small degree with my friends, or else it comes off as rants and then I'm done..... but really, honestly, lately, the stressors large and small have been ripping away at my resources. At one stage of the weekend, after a particularly helpful and beautiful moment in the retreat, I went to a quiet place and sobbed openly, loudly, hoarsely. It was as though all that anxiety and stress and whatever finally found its way out and I could not stop it if I so chose. Even stranger? I woke up the next morning feeling as though I'd gone ten rounds with Tyson. Now.... yes, I'd slept on an air mattress on the floor but that was kind of comfy; I'm in need of a new mattress for home and I haven't made the time to shop for one. But this was achy arms - like I'd worked out with 100-pound dumbbells instead of my five-pounds ones. I spoke to a nurse who was on the retreat with us, and she said to me that yes, sometimes when you let go of that much tension and stress, the body can respond that way. Last night, I ran into a personal trainer at the gym who has a background in exercise physiology -- he said much the same thing. Who would have thought?

I cannot begin to express my gratitude to the ladies of my parish who presented the retreat; to my sisters who shared this experience with me; to Fr. Sandy for his kindness and caring for all of us (and for some good advice too). Many years ago, when I was on another retreat, there was a good book called "Coming Down the Mountain" about how to go back into life after a retreat weekend -- of coming down the mountain slowly instead of tumbling back headlong into all that chaos that real life can be. To put my hands on the book now is an impossible task (if I even still have it - I think I lent it out and didn't get it back). But my task now is to keep as much of the mountain experience in my heart as I continue to re-enter the everyday world.

A slight change of pace.....

Instead of trying to recall exactly what I've been grateful for over the last couple of days, I wanted to take a different tack.

Today, I got an e-mail from a newsletter I subscribe to. The person who runs this website is doing a drawing for a free copy of her guide, if we would simply post what we were grateful for! SWEET, considering I've been pondering the subject for a few weeks, right? And honestly.... I'm so grateful for so much that I hardly know where to start!

I am grateful for opening my eyes each day and drawing breath, for having all my senses intact, for the gift of motion and ability to get from bed to bathroom to kitchen. I am grateful for having the capacity to care for myself each morning and prepare to face the day. I am very grateful for a job to go to each morning, and for work that helps my company. Admittedly, there are times I wish my job involved more hands-on actual HELPING people live and do their best.... but I also realize that if I do my job correctly and if I work to minimize costs and maximize value, I'm doing my part to keep people employed (at least as much as I can do) -- very much needed in this economy.

I'm grateful for a vehicle in good working condition (especially since 90 minutes of my day are spent in it!). I'm grateful for a family who loves me in spite of my failings, my mood swings, my eccentricities....... I'm grateful for friends who love me for me, for all my quirks.

There's so much more to be grateful and thankful for..... if we just stop and think deeply enough about it. Life itself is such a blessing and gift. Why should we be ungrateful???

Sharing wealth....

Last night, I went to a great seminar offered by someone I knew from high school (although I didn't realize it was her until over the weekend). She and her sister-in-law run a side business called "Crazy Couponers" and they teach people how to best utilize coupons and store specials to save money -- where to find them, how to use them, how to share them, and an overview of local stores' policies. It was a great couple of hours of my time, and while I already use coupons, I picked up some great ideas!

And I got to see some other friends from high school there. A couple in particular were girls I hadn't seen in forever -- probably not since my brother was in high school himself! They were just floored by the changes in me and wanted to know the whole scoop -- so I shared my information with them as well. (A quick note here: for those of you finding me through Vanessa's e-mail, I have a whole other blog which tells the story of my big change: Weighty Matters). So the evening was full of good news, good stories, good times.

On the drive home, I realized we had all been sharing wealth: a wealth of experience, knowledge and information. Debbie & Tosha didn't have to start a business to help people in a tangible way. They charged a very small fee, but we got back so much more. They did it to share the wealth - to help people in a real way. One person might save a couple hundred bucks a year on groceries or personal products they buy. Someone else might save two thousand just based on their habits or needs. And it's a habit that can be used whether times are good or bad.

I am grateful for their time, their knowledge, and their willingness to share!

More Thankful Moments

Friday, April 16 -- I am grateful for the beauty of a warm spring day. We really do need rain to wash away some of the highest pollen counts in years, yet it was so lovely to step outside without being socked by the muggies (don't worry - June will be here soon enough for that!).

Saturday, April 17 -- Today I met with my spiritual director again. It is beyond wonderful to have someone to speak with about what my spiritual life is like ..... and someone who can not only understand my position on some things but offer new perspectives. Yesterday, one of the perspectives that she offered is that the work I do through WW isn't just a job, but a calling, a ministry. I needed to hear that. It has been far too long since I believed that anything I did other than my cantoring was a ministry. But in many ways, this is a ministry ....... and I am so glad that I was open enough to change my life to provide an outlet for God to work in me. God isn't done with me yet (another reason to be glad!).

Sunday, April 18 -- Along those same lines, I am so glad for the energy to be able to accomplish most of what I need to do in a day. I still have laundry to be done today, but it's not like I have to wash it by hand.... :D So let me sign off here, and get to it!!!