Striving to be grateful

I must admit that for the last couple of weeks, it has been less than easy for me to have a grateful heart. My mother has been ill and it's been a nightmare just trying to get a diagnosis. The worst symptom by far has been her constant nausea (and no, trust me, she'd better not be frickin' pregnant in her 70s!). It went from maybe something she ate or being tired from a trip to "well, maybe she has pneumonia" to "Oh wow, you've got fluid around your heart" to "wow, the Phenergan still isn't working? Huh. Come back in" to "Well, it could be acid reflux."

To complicate matters, Mom is being puny - and to be honest, I've questioned how much is physical illness and how much is emotionally driven. I don't doubt that she has the physical symptoms, but truly... suck it up. Quit hyperventilating over some of this. And I'll take you to the ER if need be, but I am not paying your copay or treating you like some lotus blossom. I know, that sounds cruel, but you live the 40 years of history, and then tell me I'm a bitch.

So here I am, slightly ticked at this illness that won't go away, slightly ticked at the "(heaving sigh) woe is me" 'tude and PLENTY ticked at the business end of the medical profession - that which requires you to prove you have been through all the what-ifs first.

Here's the deal: FLUID ON THE HEART. You don't mess with it, you order a flippin' test to determine where it's coming from and what the fluid consists of, how it came to be around her heart and how you can keep it at bay. You determine what is physical and what is psychosomatic (if anything). YOU FIND ANSWERS. Or at least not just saying, "Well, I have to do this first, for insurance to cover it."

Here's the thing: I'm grateful I still have my mom, I'm grateful that she's had the same PCP for about 50 years who has treated her at nearly every stage of her adult life (young & single, newlywed, new mother, into middle age, and now as older adult). I'm grateful she has good insurance on top of her Medicare. I'm grateful for so much of that, and I want to have her here and healthier, even if it's just to be foils for each other. Think Claree and Ouiser (I can't decide if I'd rather be Claree or Ouiser!).

Yes, I fight with her. I push her buttons, she pushes all mine as only mothers and daughters can do to each other. And that's precisely why I am fighting like hell for her. I refuse to allow this to consume her, and I will do everything I can to see it doesn't.