One of the hardest life lessons I am learning is to let go & let God. To simply be, and not work so hard at .... well, at everything. And I don't mean work or my mission in life. It's that I have such trouble simply living in a moment. I'm not sure how to really explain it.
I think that from the time I was a kid, I've had the need to prove myself to everyone on some level. Being a fat kid meant that I had to do things twice as well because I didn't want people to judge me just on my size. Being an overachieving kid meant that I had to work twice as hard when things didn't come easy to me. "Better, faster, stronger" wasn't just the motto for the Six Million Dollar Man.... it became my way of life. And let me tell you, it will flat wear you to a nub. Constantly trying to live up to the high standards I set for myself is admirable, but there are times when I just want to say, "No, this is as good as it gets right now, and if it's not enough for you, I'm really sorry."
I am so grateful today for Sister Helen, my spiritual director. On the way to my appointment with her today, I was stricken by a church sign about faith and works. Pondering that led to another round of tangential thinking (no; you don't say) and then to sensing God was telling me something important. I grew up in a church denomination that consistently railed against Catholics for "earning" their salvation; at least that was how they understood all the various devotions -- as a way to earn your keep with God. But I'm here to tell you, as a Catholic, I've found that line of thinking to be the biggest fallacy ever. In my childhood faith, you had to be extra-good, to always set the example... gee, wonder why that line of thinking spilled over from faith into my life? I worked damn harder as a Protestant to earn God's love than I ever have done as a Catholic.
So anyway, as I was thinking about that and realizing where that whole mindset spilled over into my "real life," it was like I felt God say, "STOP THIS NOW! All I ever want you to do is just be."
Just be. How? I don't know what it's like to simply rest secure in anything. Just be. Live in the moment. Stop worrying and let go of the anxiety of life. Just be. Breathe deep. Know where you are. Know your body's reaction to things. Learn to quiet your mind. Just be. Stop trying to prove I'm better, faster, stronger, smarter. Accept who I am. Just be. Trust. Recognize that you can only control so much; the rest of the universe is not in your hands for a reason. Trust. Just be.
It is so hard for me to trust enough to let go. My mother has jokingly called me her "independent little cuss" for most of my life. If I had a t-shirt made with a life motto, it would probably read, "I'll Do It Myself, Thanks!" As my coworker half-jokes, "I have control issues. If I'm not in control, then I have issues." I understand completely what she means. Why do I find it so difficult to trust, to let go, to live in each moment as it comes without regret for the past and anxiety for the future?
On the "Hell Freezes Over" CD in '94, the Eagles had a lovely song that didn't get enough airplay or recognition called "Learn to Be Still"........ I really need to pay attention to that song again, and take its lessons to heart.
I want so much to find the place where I can do this. And I do believe that more gratitude is key to this - to simply be glad for all that comes my way, to recognize every circumstance as gift and lesson. So I want to keep practicing gratitude. I want to learn to accept whatever comes my way as a precious moment, without wondering what's the hidden agenda. It may not be the final answer to my quest, but I think it's a good place to start.
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