I took the opportunity this weekend to go on a retreat sponsored by my parish. It was without a doubt the best gift I have given myself in ages. Not only did it have great spiritual benefit, but it gave me the opportunity to simply let go all the way around.
My current coworkers may see it a little in me, but my previous coworker can tell them oodles of stories about my control issues. One of my current coworkers jokes that she has control issues: "If I'm not in control, I have issues." Well, that's me. I guess deep down, as much as it pains me to even admit so, I am more like my mother than I care to say. Not so much that I'm a worrier in the sense of freaking out about what will happen next as much as "I have to have a plan or several in place in case of what happens next." Always with a contingency plan, even if the plan is "fly by the seat of your pants."
None of that this weekend. Completely at the mercy of others' schedules and plans. And for once, what a joy that was, not to have to be in control. I don't know if I can live there in the long-term, but certainly in the short-term it feels good.
And I don't often share with others the stresses in my life. I do to a small degree with my friends, or else it comes off as rants and then I'm done..... but really, honestly, lately, the stressors large and small have been ripping away at my resources. At one stage of the weekend, after a particularly helpful and beautiful moment in the retreat, I went to a quiet place and sobbed openly, loudly, hoarsely. It was as though all that anxiety and stress and whatever finally found its way out and I could not stop it if I so chose. Even stranger? I woke up the next morning feeling as though I'd gone ten rounds with Tyson. Now.... yes, I'd slept on an air mattress on the floor but that was kind of comfy; I'm in need of a new mattress for home and I haven't made the time to shop for one. But this was achy arms - like I'd worked out with 100-pound dumbbells instead of my five-pounds ones. I spoke to a nurse who was on the retreat with us, and she said to me that yes, sometimes when you let go of that much tension and stress, the body can respond that way. Last night, I ran into a personal trainer at the gym who has a background in exercise physiology -- he said much the same thing. Who would have thought?
I cannot begin to express my gratitude to the ladies of my parish who presented the retreat; to my sisters who shared this experience with me; to Fr. Sandy for his kindness and caring for all of us (and for some good advice too). Many years ago, when I was on another retreat, there was a good book called "Coming Down the Mountain" about how to go back into life after a retreat weekend -- of coming down the mountain slowly instead of tumbling back headlong into all that chaos that real life can be. To put my hands on the book now is an impossible task (if I even still have it - I think I lent it out and didn't get it back). But my task now is to keep as much of the mountain experience in my heart as I continue to re-enter the everyday world.
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